Bizarro is brought to you today by The Circle of Life.
Pigs are natural comedians. If they weren’t so huge and ugly they would be house pets instead of food. For this and many other reasons I don’t eat pigs, but I do enjoy their comedy. I also enjoy the comedy of my good friend and colleague, Wayno, who is not a pig by all accounts. This gag was his idea and here is what he has to say about it.
I’ll soon be visiting Wayno and his lovely wife, Esmeraldine at their home in Pittsburgh where I’ll be doing a comedy show. More details on that later; I hope to see all of you in the Northeast at the show. Mention this blog when you buy your tickets and get an invisible souvenir of the show imagined by me personally.
It is high time that a blog of international prominence discuss the subject of “cooties.” Since I am not in touch with anyone running such a blog, I will use this one instead.
Cooties is a term used by children to connote an ambiguous and insidious disease one can get by getting too close to members of the opposite sex. It is highly contagious and there is no known cure. Once infected, the victim can experience anything from mild discomfort and the derision of his/her peers, to the “willies” in more extreme cases. After the initial reaction, lasting no more than a few minutes to a few days, the disease remains dormant in the host until puberty, when symptoms become extremely acute and cause the sufferer to be inexplicably attracted to the very carriers of the disease. This leads to frustration, loneliness, dating, sex, marriage, children, divorce, and a host of other excruciating symptoms. There is no known cure.
While folk remedies and homemade vaccines have been popular for decades there is no evidence that they do anything to prevent this lifelong ailment. A small portion of the general population, devout homosexuals, are immune.
The word “cooties” is thought to come from “kutu,” which in the languages of Polynesia, the Philippines and Malaysia, translates to “lice.” If only actual cooties were as easy to get rid of.
Buy these cartoons on nifty, spiffy, grand and groovy products! PIGLET… COOTIES…
Obviously you’ve never heard of cootie spray. It comes straight out of the index finger and makes a pssshhh sort of noise. It has two uses… The first is to immediately destroy the initial onset of cooties. The second is to provide a shield around the body from any cooties that may be transferred during any specific time period. Must be reapplied upon any future contact…
In my school, we drew an “x” on our arm then a circle around it. Bic pen was the most effective method. This inoculated us against the virus until the ink wore off. I guess they hadn’t come out with the spray yet.
Circle,circle,dot,dot,now I got my cootie shot!
Talking about Pooh, you might enjoy this website http://www.showusyourlongdrop.co.nz It was put up as a response to the Christchurch earthquake. People have to do what they have to do, so they thought they might as well laugh about it. I didn’t have to use my garden for long at all, and there is a courgette now growing where…. anyway, check out the cat in this photo http://www.showusyourlongdrop.co.nz/long-drops/hells-pit/
Great site. I love creative survival humor!
This post reminds me of the He-Man-Woman-Haters-Club from the Ourgang series. Now that was good television! I also remember the x and the circle on the arm with a ballpoint pen. Bic stick pens were standard issue at St. Joseph Home for Future Criminals, uh, I mean Catholic Grade School. A better spitball canon has not been invented yet than the plastic housing of the bic stick pen with the ink and pen tip removed. Great range, good accuracy and disguised as a pen at all times. Should I mention that I stood in the corner for 6 of my eight years there?
Thanks for the memories/flashbacks that the cooties give me.
Me too: Catholic school, pen tube as spitball cannon, standing in corner.
I bet these guys (http://pzrservices.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451ccbc69e20147e1c58a8b970b-400wi)
take good care of you if you die from cooties–
I intend to be buried by them, wherever they are.
In science, a theory presents a model that explains observed phenomenon and allows predictions to be made. This theory on the existence of cooties seems to accurately explain a great deal of what we see in human behavior.
If we eliminated the spread of cooties, would it be the end of human kind?
Let’s hope so.
It should be mentioned, and I don’t know if the practice is still prevalent, that about 25 years ago the most explosive cootie outbreaks in my community were invariable the result of a dangerous game called “Kissy Girl.” Especially popular amongst kindergarteners (and Spring Breakers), this highly volatile activity consisted of females chasing males in order to plant a slobbery smacker. Be on high alert!
Gross.
It’s called CyberKissyGirl now: *xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxslobbersmackdroooooooolxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxslurpxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ahahaha, you have cooties!
By the way, cooties seem to be a particularly American phenomenon. I am not aware of any cases in any of the countries I’ve lived, including Germany, Britain and New Zealand. Maybe they can’t cross the ocean, and therefore seawater and the sound of shrieking seagulls is the cure?
Fairly insighful post.Never believed that it was simple after all.I had spent a beneficial deal of my time looking for someone to explain this subject clearly and you’re the only one that ever did that.Keep it up.