Bizarro is brought to you today by Spot The Joke.
I’m not a pop-culture scientist (and have never even played one on TV) but it seems to me that we now experience far more “celebrities” who cannot actually do anything special than we ever have before. I blame reality TV shows. If you can somehow con your way onto one of these god-forsaken shows, you can become a rich and famous “celebrity” by just being the jackass you’ve been all your life. The most distressing part of this equation is that millions of people will actually worship you. Kim Kardashian’s most unique gift is her inherited fortune and comically huge clown ass. Snooki’s is her utter lack of dignity or shame. These are now considered talents. It makes me shudder. Then vomit. Then hold a gun to my head. (The only reason I’m still able to write this post is that my unfamiliarity with guns led me to buy batteries instead of bullets.)
On to more believable scenarios: here are some aliens who live in the famed “Area 51.” Mr. alien’s hard work has paid off and now he and his zlibnorch get to move to a nicer neighborhood. What kind of work does he do, I wonder, besides posing for bumper stickers, ball caps, and other souvenirs?
Finally, I direct your attention to the cartoon with talking houses. The snow-on-the-roof phrase is an old (pun intended) saying about getting older. I think the original is something like, “just because there’s snow on your roof, doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire in your furnace.” Something like that. I’m only 19, so I’m not old enough to know the exact wording. It supposed to mean that people with gray hair still like to have sex. That’s one of those things you don’t like to think about until you get there, though.
The second caption refers to a disease called “shingles,” which typically attacks the elderly. But you can actually get shingles anytime. Oddly enough, I had it when I was 13. It’s a rash that appears around your ribcage and is caused by a temporary flair up of an old chicken pox virus. So if you’ve had chicken pox, you could get shingles. Don’t worry, though, it’s curable.
What’s not curable is your need for a chuckle, so keep checking back to my blog as I attempt to treat your symptoms. Some people work to cure disease, some invent amazing new technology, some draw silly pictures and try to make anonymous strangers smile. Who is to say which is more important? Okay, the first two are, but this is all I can do and I need to eat regularly, just like you.
I want you to buy my new book so badly I can feel it in my bowels. Assuage my bowels here.