Foot Sauce Heart Pee Bus Dilemma

Bizarro is brought to you today by An Average Day in Hollywood.

Oh, my precious Jazz Pickles, I come to you today with a heavy heart. I have not been able to post on this blog all week and it sorrows me greatly; I feel I have let you down. Because I, like most people in the arts and especially those of us in LA, don’t really exist unless I amĀ  entertaining the masses and chasing the approval of strangers. So in a very real way, I have not existed all week. :0(

Oddly enough, I was awfully busy this week for someone who did not exist. Not sure how that works.

Any foot fetishists out there? This first cartoon is for you. I had a friend years ago who was into feet and I found it fascinating to talk to him about it. I don’t get it but I’m not judgmental, either. We’re wired how we’re wired, so you get the hand you’re dealt. I, for instance, am into women with mustaches. It’s hard to find anyone in my age group, though. Supposedly, Quentin Tarantino has a foot fetish. He does pay attention to women’s feet in his films, so maybe it is true. Quentin, if you’re a Jazz Pickle, please weigh in on this.

Anyone into Heinz 57 sauce? I really like it though I don’t have much occasion to eat it as a vegan. Haven’t had any in years. I should grab a bottle and see if it’s good on some of the stuff I eat. This idea came from the fertile imagination of my “known associate,” Wayno. If you’d like to point your brain at what he says about this one, go here, then come back.

 

 

If you don’t understand this next gag, it’s likely because you’ve never heard that doctors use the word “angina” for some kind of heart attack stuff, or that there is a very popular and famous theatrical production (I’m not sure if you’d call it a “play”) called, “The Vagina Monologues.” I’ve never seen it but I think it’s women talking about their lady bits. I’m sure there’s more to it than that, but you get the idea.

 

 

 

Here’s a gag that makes me laugh. I was kind of surprised that no one objected to this one when it ran in the papers. I guess Americans are more grown-up than I thought. I think this joke might have been a tad better if I could have put “piss” instead of “urinate,” but editors and readers would have objected to that word. I’ll never understand why humans give so much power to certain words. I think it’s b*llsh*t.

 

 

 

And speaking of better captions, a reader wrote to me this very morn and said this one might have been better if it had read, “I hope the regular size bus is next.” I couldn’t agree more. I assume most of you Jazz Pickles got it, but I’m sure some were confused. Sorry about that. Sometimes I just don’t think.

 

Thanks for checking into my blog today and allowing me to exist for another day. I hope to blog again over the weekend but man, I’ve been as busy as a chimp in a board meeting lately. Whatever the f*ck that means.

I has products.

I has books.

I has hats.

 

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28 Responses to Foot Sauce Heart Pee Bus Dilemma

  1. Susan Hedges says:

    I love the MortDonalds! Very funny.

  2. lizgwiz says:

    Heinz 57 is awesome on french fries!

  3. Loretta Czernis says:

    To answer you question, yes, I put Heinz 57 on other people’s toes.

  4. Bob Abrahams says:

    General notes, in no particular order:

    – I agree with “regular” over “big.”

    – I like feet. They are useful. Does that make me a fetishist?

    – I recommend that you see “The Vagina Monologues” sometime. I’m sure it’s on video somewhere. I have a script if you want to read it.

    – Someone might say “I’m pissed off.” Can he say “I’m urinated off” instead to keep editors happy?

    – Busy can be good. Too busy is not. I’m never sure which I am.

    – I never liked Heinz 57 sauce.

    And that’s it for today.

  5. Kompani says:

    Your finest yet. A brilliant start to the weekend. Thanks.

  6. Cob says:

    Heinz 57 is excellent on/in vegan chili…with or without TVP. I also like to mix some in when I make fried TVP balls to go with pasta. Cock sauce is better though. Maybe a Sriracha joke for your new Adult Blog?

  7. Happy Ford says:

    haha Love the Angina Monologues. The other book and play are some of my favorites.

    My friend and former neighbor’s son when he was very small was fascinated with feet. I would go over for morning Koffee Klatch and he would fondle my feet. Very funny, I don’t know if he still loves feet or not, I will have to ask.

    • Piraro says:

      Interestingly, my friend said that he started when he was very young, playing under the table when his mother would have ladies over for bridge. More evidence that sexual urges are hard wired from birth, I say.

  8. Jason Covington says:

    Maybe I’m just dense, but I’ve been wracking my brain to try to figure out the bus stop comic and still don’t understand it. PLEASE explain for me, thanks!

    • Piraro says:

      The idea is that the bus looks like it is small because it is in the distance but actually IS small. So he hopes for the regular-sized bus. It’s a difficult concept to get across, i guess.

      • Jenifer says:

        Oh. Thanks. We couldn’t figure it out either (was thinking it might have been about the “short” bus some of the kids took to school).

      • Jeff says:

        I finally got the perspective joke, but is that a lit stick of dynamite on the sign pole in the first frame? If so, I’ll need more help. Thanks.

        • Piraro says:

          I drop little icons into each of my cartoons: an eyeball, a piece of pie, an alien, a stick of dynamite, a “K2″, an upside down bird. Just something I do for fun.

  9. Heidi says:

    Re: average day in Hollywood–

    Years ago in the ’70′s, when Disneyland created their electrical parade, they built the floats in Burbank and trucked them in at night on the 5 freeway to

    Anaheim. People talk about the night they drove down the 5 and saw Pete’s Dragon all lit up (I guess the truckers thought it would be neat to plug it in) going down the freeway with them.

    You do see all kinds of stuff just driving on the freeways; and when you’re stuck in traffic, that is always a nice little diversion.

    • Piraro says:

      I’m used to seeing a lot of oddball stuff on the streets of NY, but the stuff I’ve seen here is of a different flavor. I’ve learned to keep my cell phone camera ready. :o)

  10. Kakei Chan says:

    Mort Donald’s. Nice stay in the theme pun.

  11. Linus Hollis says:

    To really be polite & raise the level of the joke: micturate would be my euphamistic choice for piss.

  12. Brian says:

    Personally, I prefer a well-turned ankle…

  13. NJMurphy says:

    I, too, was confused by the ‘big bus’ gag, and think an even better caption would have used the word ‘long’, which relates better to the term ‘rides the short bus’.

    And since I’m using so many single quote marks in this comment, what’s going on with the ‘Adult’ Bizarro Blog?

  14. Tom Fletcher says:

    Bus Dilemma:

    I’ve look past Jeff’s left and right shoulder and see a bus going in seemingly different directions on the same street.

    I do not get this one. I usally get Bizarro.

    Help. Thanks.

    • Piraro says:

      The view is meant to be of the bus coming, passing by, then going away. The idea was that it looks small, presumably because it is in the distance, but actually IS small. Which is why Jeff is waiting for a larger one. I didn’t do such a good job with it, I know.

      • Phelps says:

        This comic had me utterly stumped until my partner explained it: Jeff’s nose is so big that he can’t comfortably fit into the small bus and has to wait for the larger one. Aha! That wasn’t totally satisfying, but was better than anything I could come up with. Now we find out that the real answer was something entirely different! I still like the “big nose” explanation.

  15. KM says:

    For urinal admirers, I wonder if you could have gotten away with “Stop me before I leak again!”

  16. Pingback: On The Plus Side… | Broadsheet.ie

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