Rhino Funeral Shirt Drugs


(Are you one of the dozens of readers who would like to see this cartoon bigger? If so, click the kooky painting on the wall.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Day I Drew “Luann.”

It is always amusing to imagine one’s own funeral. I don’t delude myself into thinking that all of my Facebook friends would be there, of course. But however many people show up, I’d like to think they’ll have a good time.

Not just because I’m dead –– though I’m sure there will be a few who pop by just to celebrate that fact –– but because I’ve left instructions to be stuffed and propped up in a chair with a ukelele in my hands and my mouth wide open. Hawaiian uke songs will be piped in from a speaker behind my chair and the funeral will be officiated by a marionette. After it is over, all attendees get a Bizarro Snuggie.


I saw someone wearing an “Ask Me About My Grandkids” sweatshirt at the market recently and I was taken by how creepy it seemed. Does this person really believe that their grandkids are of any interest to strangers? Then I got to wondering if anyone every actually asked. Then I got to wondering what the creepiest thing a person asking about that person’s grandkids could say and came up with, “How many do you have and are they for sale?” Then I got to wondering what the creepiest thing the person wearing the shirt could say if someone was dumb enough to ask sincerely about their grandkids. Then I drew this cartoon.

Now that you know my process, you, too, can be a cartoonist.

Many old people in the United States take a metric crapload of prescription drugs. Some take enough to use the bottles as chess pieces. I have no idea why they would do this, but here is what it might look like if they did.

Does it strike anyone else as unfortunate that so many elderly women cut their hair in a style that makes them look like lesbian gym coaches? Just a random thought.



You, dear Jazz Pickle, are important to me. So important, that I want you to have products with my cartoons on them.

Or books with my cartoons in them.





39 thoughts on “Rhino Funeral Shirt Drugs

  1. hahaha Love this set of ‘toons. The geriatric chess was a funny gag, and your remark about older women’s haircuts is dead on.. I have discussed with my peers. We have come to the conclusion that we have no idea who ever told these women butch was the style to go. It’s curious.

  2. you helped cheer me up tonight…(.been one of the worst months of my life.)… all except for the Luanne gag… I shoulda not clicked on that….. I can’t even SAY the C. word…or here it.. when my daughter lived in Hollywood….(she’s back now)…she said, “Mom I dont think you can visit here…because…” she had to very slowly tell me the c. word…. it freaks me out….of course, I can think of the Luanne gag as exposure therapy…..

    • also…. there is nothing more I hate than Range Rovers disrupting nature…. except for anything else that hurts our EARTH or animals….

  3. Golly, how I remember and love the Great Comics Switcheroonie. I’ve been trying for ages to find scans of each and every strip/panel that participated in that event. Personally, I love a good metaphysical reference in my comics. Thanks for the pleasant reminder!

    • Yeah, it was pretty great. A lot of cartoonists have wanted to do it again but the guys who organized it said it was such a monstrously complicated f*ckfest that they’d never do it again. So no one has the courage to take it on. :o) I did Luann and Bill Griffith of Zippy did Bizarro. I have the original art from his.

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  5. In 1988-90 hen I was about 19-20 years old, I started wearing a t-shirt to work that used to belong to my grandmother. It said “Seniors Do It Better”, and it always got weird looks.

  6. So were the extra squares on the chessboard part of the joke in some way too clever for me to figure out, or did you just make a mistake?

  7. But I like the kooky painting!

    I express my internet approval (like, +1, reddit share, doubleplusgood) of the Rx chess and the Rhinovirus.

  8. The Spartan helmet hair style is especially popular in the Greek-American community & its practicality is the reason. No more aesthetic reason for beautiful hair, just wash & wear. Can look VERY butch. Maybe it deters muggers.

  9. Does it strike anyone else as unfortunate that so many elderly women cut their hair in a style that makes them look like lesbian gym coaches?

    Funny you should notice that. I’ve also noticed that older “men” start to look like lesbians when they age. Maybe the elderly women cut their hair like that in order to make themselves more attractive to their men?

  10. I love the description of your funeral. That sounds like the best funeral ever. I hope you won’t mind if I use it for my own funeral.

    I love the comics as well, as usual. I love being called a Jazz Pickle. I love everything about this blog.

  11. At first glance at the first comic, I expected the verbiage to be something about a failed rhinoplasty, then I saw all the tissues….

  12. “Does this person really believe that their grandkids are of any interest to strangers?” YES! As a grandparent I can assure you that while some part of me deep down inside realizes that there may be people who are not interested in my grandchildren (the insane or TV evangelists for instance), mostly I believe everyone is. Sometimes I even make gratuitous blog comments just so I have an excuse to introduce random strangers to the wonderfulness that is my grandchildren.

    And they are wonderful! For instance on last Christmas Eve, before he’d even turned two, Jonah put his mother’s camera in the mico-wave and turned it on! It started on fire and filled the whole apartment with smoke and they had to come live with me for a week (which I thought was great) until it was cleaned up. Imagine, not even two and not only able to operate a micro-wave, but able to weaponize it as well! A very talented kid for someone who refuses to talk in front of people. Yep, that’s right he goes off in a room by himself and practices saying words, but he won’t ever talk in front of people. How’s that for personality?

    Anyway I could go on, but I wouldn’t want to give you an overdose of wonderfulness your first time out, but I’ve got three others who are pretty wonderful as well.

  13. Dan,

    You are superb, outstanding, exceptional, marvelous, wonderful, as well as magnificent, splendiferous, top-notch, delightful, bang-up, skookum, magic, wicked, and brilliant.

    Though, now that i think about it, skookum really is a good one-word descriptor.

    Please know that, though i spend most of my time here silently lurking, i continue laugh my ace off with your invaluable assistance.

    Thank you three craploads — metric, imperial, troy, or avoirdupois!

  14. Dan,

    I’d love to own a Bizarro Jazz Pickle t-shirt or coffee mug (or both!). Will you be adding Jazz Pickle merchandise to your offerings?

  15. “Does it strike anyone else as unfortunate that so many elderly women cut their hair in a style that makes them look like lesbian gym coaches? Just a random thought.”

    That’s (aside from your strip) one of the funniest damned things I’ve read in a while.

  16. I don’t know who said it; I think it might have been some Kiwi broadcaster, but the definition of bad luck is this: You put a ukulele on the backseat of your car, park your car, forget to lock it, and go away. When you come back, someone’s put another ukulele on the backseat. ;D

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