Hit Gravity Poison Purr Lust Poop

Bizarro is brought to you today  by My Magazine Cover Shot.

Again, I’ve only managed to post once this week. Things are getting away from me here at Bizarro International Headquarters.

Let’s review the week: Our first cartoon is a great pickup line for the next time you see someone attractive on an elevator. Please use it with my blessing and let me know how it turns out.

Cartoon number two is a surreal interpretation of a common restaurant question. I encourage any of you who are waitpersons (is that the correct, non-offensive term these days?) to use this response next time you are asked this question. Again, please report back on how it went over.

 

 

 

 

Cartoon number three got a few thumbs up from my vegan friends, of course. Not that this cartoon has a strictly vegan message; I actually stopped eating fast food many years before I stopped eating all animal products. It’s pretty much an accepted scientific fact that fast food is slow suicide. Still, eat it if you want. Nobody lives forever. Gotta die of something. Might as well be of a heart attack or stroke in your fat scooter. (Not that all people in those scooters are there because they are too obese to walk, of course, so chill.)

This cat cartoon is from the great and powerful Wayno of Pittsburgh, known in some circles as my “known associate.” He’s a dandy guy and I can only assume that his longtime obsession with  1-900 phone sex services led to this cartoon. I don’t know this for sure, but you can ask him for yourself by visiting his blog where he discusses this very cartoon.

Our next cartoon, in the fifth position, is maybe my favorite for the week. The original suggestion was from my good buddy and King of Wordplay, Cliff. This one had more than simple wordplay, however, adding an aspect of commentary on human nature. Well done.

You more observant readers will notice my happy birthday message to my dad against the top border. I’m happy to report that he did, in fact, have a happy birthday. It was also the birthday of my special ladyfriend, Kim, (shown here with me on my birthday) who had a dandy birthday also, as well as one of my favorite American figures, Mark Twain. He did not have a happy birthday but neither did he have a bad one. He is dead, which beats the hell out of the alternative: turning 177 years old yesterday, exactly 100 years older than my dad. That can’t be fun.

Finally we come to the final cartoon. This one is a bit subtle in that if you don’t notice the plastic glove on the man’s hand, you see no joke at all. Those of you in cities, states, or countries that do not require citizens to clean up after their pets may not understand this reference, but in more civilized areas of the U.S., people wear plastic gloves and carry little plastic bags to clean up after their pet when walking them in public spaces. As a person who sometimes visits public spaces and is not fond of animal feces on my shoes, I think it’s a nice law.

That’s it for now. I’ll post this weekend’s Sunday cartoon in a few hours.

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25 Responses to Hit Gravity Poison Purr Lust Poop

  1. Heidi says:

    Loved the last cartoon with the kid in a harness. Some people would pooh-pooh the use of a harness on a child. In hind sight, I wished I had done so with my daughter. That would have saved a lot of worry and scared minutes. Like the time we went to Disneyland with the in-laws and sister-in-law’s family and no one was holding my daughter’s hand in Fantasyland (when she was 2). Luckily for us, she was just sitting by a fence next to Alice’s Teacups, the ride we just departed. Another time when she was older, she skipped ahead of us in a department store when we stopped to look at a sale rack. Couldn’t find her for 10 minutes, the saleslady was about to call a search, and then we found her waiting for us at the elevators. People always say you have to keep your eyes on them every minute, which is true but hard to do. She has survived to live 21 years and counting with our parenting. :D

    I didn’t notice the plastic gloved hand though. That really makes it funny on all sorts of levels. Besides the obvious dog parallel, I think parents should do that anyways and pick up after their children (mostly trash left behind by their little ones and used diapers by uncaring parents).

  2. R_W_B says:

    Loved the “Assisted Suicide” one!

    I try to stay away from Mickey D’s, but I couldn’t this past week, when I ordered the BO.

    That is, the current promotion is for a CBO (cheese – bacon – onions), but without the C. And shortly after eating, yeah, I experienced the BO. (groans).

  3. Tom Marshall says:

    RE: Special Ladyfriend Kim

    Cartoonists get all the fine babes.

    And goats.

  4. Rick says:

    When I saw the second cartoon earlier in the week, I said to myself, “Self, that artwork looks like early Bizarro!”

    I loved it! Well, okay–I love them all really, but then who wouldn’t?

  5. I saw the plastic glove in the cartoon and got the joke, but I’ve never seen that in real life. Plastic glove AND plastic bag? Either somebody needs to (A) buy a better grade of plastic bag, (B) get over themselves or (C) boil the dog — can’t be too careful with those germs!

  6. Craig L says:

    Based on the expression of the woman in the first cartoon, I suspect that this particular “elevator relationship” will end while they are still in the elevator.

    But really, with my consummate lack of skill in getting substances out of jars, I usually get dressing on more than one side, the bottom, the ceiling and the underside of the table.

    Then again, I thought the “Assisted Suicide” burger must be served with the onions, because special orders cross the line into Euthanasia. (I’m sorry I said that)

    After 1-900-FELINE, I’m looking forward to 1-900-CANINE and 1-900-PARROT (that IS where they pick up THOSE things they say, right?)

    I’m surprised the Wanted/Needed poster board didn’t have one of those flyers with the bottom cut so you could tear off a copy of the phone number/web address/DNA sample. This http://i.imgur.com/0HJp0.png (which you can print out on a standard sheet of paper) is the best handling of that trope I have seen.

    And all I can say about the last one is: if you ever make available “PIE STATE” t-shirts, mark me down for one, XL, of course.

  7. Cathy Toms says:

    The cat picture is so realistic. Rather than have an office full of women “performing”, most of it is done on the home land lines. The lady feline, way too pretty.

  8. Jim says:

    Hey Piraro, still waiting for an answer: how many more people does Obama have to kill before you man up and admit he’s as bad as Bush?

  9. Phred says:

    The thing that initially threw me off w/ the kid walker was trying to figure out the Pie State connection (I went to Comatose State, BTW). Here people just put their hand inside the—empty—bag, pick up the poop, then flip the bag outside in… Just b4 tossing it into the bushes.

  10. Shawn Lewis says:

    What’s the eyeball about in the 1-900-FELINE comic?

  11. Pingback: Hit Gravity Poison Purr Lust Poop « What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see…

  12. Ray Dobson says:

    I guess you aren’t familiar with Elevatorgate (google it) but be warned, you are about to get a megaton of radical feminists screaming for your blood…

  13. David Baer says:

    Kim looks very sweet. But who’s that gorgeous woman to her left? :-)

    • David Baer says:

      I mean her right … my left … oh why do I even bother! A two sentence joke and I blow the punch line. Sad, just sad.

  14. Roger Wells says:

    Re: dressing on the side.

    My wife and I were at business dinner in a very fancy French restaurant near Los Angeles. I assume it was the owner who took our orders: He was charming, impeccably and casually dressed, and had a magnificent French accent. As usual my wife queried and discussed almost every item on the menu before ordering. The French gentleman was patience exemplified. He answered every question politely and took notes. At the end of her discussion my wife asked if she could have the dressing on the side. Without a millisecond pause he replied, “Certainly madam. Which side?”

  15. MY ‘LETTER TO THE EDITOR’ WAS PRINTED TODAY IN THE DESERT SUN:

    Amid all the worldwide murder and mayhem that proceeded Christmas this year, it was a great relief to see Monday’s Bizarro cartoon of a bereft little Calvin Klein bawling his heart out because he parents had given him a pony instead of underpants.

    Where would we be without a sense of humor?

    — Kurt Sipolski, Palm Desert

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