Very soon our tiny planet will have successfully made another revolution around the sun and I am thankful for the ability to say so without fear of prosecution. Galileo spent the rest of his life under arrest for saying the same thing in 1633, so we shouldn’t take these things for granted. In addition to that excellent news, I have had a tremendously successful year in my own life and I want to share those victories with you now. As is done by so many others at this time of year,
I submit my list of the Greatest Moments of 2012:
January, New Year’s Day…I did not wake up with a hangover in a foreign country with no money or identification.
February…I was not a huge pop star who married Bobby Brown, took too many drugs, and drowned in a bathtub.
June…I did not find myself married to a zillionaire movie star with a psychotic devotion to perhaps the stupidest sci-fi-based religion this planet has yet to devise, and the daughter I did not have with him was not in danger of being kidnapped by other psychos of his ilk.
August…I was not banned from professional cycling for life after 7 consecutive Tour de France victories because I was a drug-taking cheater.
Nor did I talk to a chair on national television in hopes of getting people to vote for the candidate that a person who speaks incoherently to furniture thinks is best.
September…I was not running for president and a video of me saying “47% of Americans don’t pay taxes” did not go viral.
October…I was nowhere near my former home of New York City when hurricane Sandy hit, destroying the multi-million-dollar homes of several major players for the New York Giants.
November…I did not have to scrape “Romney/Ryan” bumper stickers off of my SUV.
December…I had nothing to do with and have not seen a single episode of “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Nor will I appear in a film with Arnold Schwarzenegger next year.
Those are the highlights of my wondrously successful year. I hope yours was even more amazing than mine. Have a grand and groovy ’13, Jazz Pickles!