Push

bz panel 10-03-13bz strip 10-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Early Helmet.

If you enjoy watching people squirt things from their bodies, this sport is for you. My good friend and colleague, Dan McConnell, conceived of this cartoon during a visit to the alternate-world of hallucinations in which he spends most of his time these days. (A word to the wise, discount LSD is not always a good thing. You get what you pay for.) In McC’s exciting, inner world, men give birth instead of women and they’ve made a sport of it. Of course they did. That’s what we men do, even in McC’s catawampus world. For more about McC, check out his Front-of-your-head-book page.

I hasten to add that it has been observed many times that if men got pregnant, there would be more abortion clinics than Starbucks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PALEOBIZARRO: Here’s another thing that men are good at; starting projects and never finishing them. I once made the colossal mistake of living in my house while my kitchen was being completely torn out and redone. It joins the list of things I will never do again, just above eating a homeless person’s shoes and right below shoving a live badger into my mouth. If you should ever find yourself dealing with a contractor, follow these simple translation guidelines to understand him better:

Contractor says: I can do it for x amount of money.   Means: Double or triple his estimate.

Contractor: It will take x amount of time.   Means: Triple or quadruple the time he quotes.

Contractor: I just finished a job so I can begin next Monday.   Means: A team of guys who don’t speak English will tear this up on Monday, then we’ll be back in a month to see what we’ve done.

And so on.Bizarro 05-11-08 ContractorWEB

 

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18 Responses to Push

  1. Mary C says:

    Too funny! “I hasten to add that it has been observed many times that if men got pregnant, there would be more abortion clinics than Starbucks.”

  2. Craig L says:

    Not related to the subject at hand, but since you apparently cannot recover the 24-year-old Bizarro “scuba divers in elevator” gag, I scanned my beyond-yellowed newspaper clip of it and put it online in a corner of my own oddly-named domain.
    http://oneswellfoop.net/media/images/bizarro-elevator.jpg
    Because you always remember your First Bizarro.

  3. Heywood J. Bloom says:

    Dan,

    This one was a real showstopper. Mrs. Bloom was particularly fond of it and made a point of showing it to me this morning, part of her ongoing involvement in the plot all women share to emasculate their husbands. I know that you have several ex-wives so you certainly know what I’m talking about.

    Heywood

  4. Dina says:

    It’s been six years, and I’m hopeful one day soon I’ll find the humor of this cartoon. I also lived through an entire home remodel. I was promised it would take 2 weeks. It was a total of 3 months (Dec-Feb). I lived through bald-faced lies, change orders, and 100+ item punch list. I stood my ground on the punch list and rejected a change order for spackling and painting crown molding. In fact, they painted the crown molding on Christmas day around me while I watched NFL football in the living room. In the end, they had about 7 minor items on the punch list they needed to complete for the last $300. They walked away. However, I will say, they did a great job. The best part of the remodel however was the contractors not coming back.

    • Piraro says:

      I feel your pain. Forget terrorists, Homeland Security should be tracking down deceptive contractors and sending them to Guantanamo.

    • Kayle says:

      What you really needed was a lawyer friend — not to sue the contractor afterwards, but to put a “timely completion” clause in the contract. A friend of mine had that added to hers, and the contractor had everything done on time: a complete kitchen & dining room remodel in three weeks. Otherwise the contractor would have had to forfeit the escrow deposit worth about 1/3 of the job. Amazing what the right incentive can achieve.

  5. Warkis says:

    Funny :). I like those drawings.

  6. Vic Sjodin says:

    You are so creative. Big time lol. Loved your one man show btw. Hope you are great! : )

  7. james says:

    ha ha ! two winners !!!!

  8. Pete says:

    The dynamite under the bed is so apropos for the situation! HA! If someone’s ever seen a delivery they would understand.
    Announcer… “And Folks He’s Broken Through… He’s Gonna Go All The Way… The Crowd Is Goin’ WILD!”
    Loved It! MAGIC! Thanks Dan!

  9. Chris B says:

    I have lived through a kitchen remodel, and it is indeed a terrible thing. The city in Southern California where I resided at the time also required multiple inspections of everything, and that was really what slowed down all the work. I am currently finishing up a complete reconstruction of my home in Illinois due to major storm damage, and that required far fewer inspections. And the work is being completed only a week late, which is baffling, considering the number of subcontractors involved.

  10. Chris Cowan says:

    Wow I love both of those so much!

    The first one reminds me of a 1950′s EC comic I read, where men’s roles and women’s roles began to switch (“shocking” things like women going to a job, and men cooking and cleaning!), and at the very end, it resulted in men beginning to give birth.

  11. Mike R says:

    Perfect! Awesome! I have long maintained that the real reason men do not give birth is that they would make a competition of it. Now, thanks to you, Good Sir, I have documented evidence that I am not the only one who believes this! The next time some woman is giving me that tired old “because men couldn’t handle the pain” crap, I’ll whip this one out on them. The only factor you left out of the scenario is that men would also be holding the baby in longer just to see who could give birth to the biggest, most-developed baby and therefore endure the MOST pain! Thank you, O Most Bizarre One!

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