“Royal” Proclamation


bz panel 11-14-13bz strip 11-14-13Bizarro is brought to you today by On The Floor?

Greetings, Jazz Pickles. I’ve been doing some thinking about my role in the Bizarro Empire and have been wondering if the moniker I’ve been using to refer to myself, “Supreme Jazz Pickle,” properly denotes the extreme honor and privilege of my office as leader of such an impressive empire of funny and smart people as you, my beloved Jazz Pickles.

Accordingly, I have prepared the following proclamation:

From this day forth, I, Danny Chuck Piraro, in all humility and humbleness, humbly accept the rights, responsibilities, and obligations of the office of  Grand Imperial Exhalted Jazz Poobah.  Accordingly, I hereby pledge to exert my most biggest efforts to defend, protect, and revere the field of cartooning and provide the best comics it is within my scientific ability to muster to anyone calling themself a Jazz Pickle, until I am no longer able to perform this function, or am otherwise engaged in cartoon-preventing activities, or dead.

I only wish someone had been here to take a picture of me taking that oath so you could have seen the humble look on my face.


BIZARRO BASEMENT: Our selection from Archive Island today is from 1998 and is was inspired by the fact that I was noticing a growing  number of white American couples naming their kids with Old West-sounding names. At the time, the couple across the street from me had two boys named Cody and Luke, I think. Since I’m a cartoonist and this is the sort thing I do, I pushed that to it’s logical extreme. bz 07-14-98 OldWestNamesWEBIf you have any pet peeve naming trends you’d like to share, please do.


56 thoughts on ““Royal” Proclamation

  1. It’s not really a pet peeve, but I wonder why folks name kids after cities and states: Cheyenne, Madison, Dakota, Intercourse, (a town in PA) (giggle)

    • I’m not fond of last-name first names. Like Tucker, Madison, Tyler, Brooke, Hamilton, etc. Sounds like they were named by a contest at a country club.

  2. O, Grand Imperial Exalted Jazz Poobah (and you’ve earned the title), you want a naming pet peeve? How about jamming all kinds of extra letters in a perfectly understandable name, making it not at all clear how it’s supposed to be pronounced? I get that my own name also sounds like (and I’ve met them) Kris, Cris, Krys and such but “Kaitlin with an R”? I dunno where’s it hiding because it’s not making a sound.

      • A co-worker named his kid Alexzander. I can think of 3 reasons he might have done it (but I’m too polite to ask him which is correct, because I think it’s #3.) The possibilities I see for this are: 1) he put in the “Z” because he didn’t understand basic English pronunciation, or 2) he thought that the Alexander’s of the world who go by Zander have a “z” in their name, or 3) he’s just stupid.

        • What’s the co-worker’s first name and what city are you in? My niece and her husband just named their new son Alexzander and call him Zander. :^}

    • I understand your pet peeve and agree completely. It can and is made worse however when Erykah’s Mom gets really really pissed off because you misspell the name of her little darlin’.

      • Names are one thing, but I’ll never understand as long as I live why people think cursing a child with an absurd spelling of a common name is a good thing. I know a woman named “Kalin,” pronounced “Colleen.” The poor woman has been correcting people all her life both on the spelling and the pronunciation.

  3. I’ve noticed a definite shortage of ‘hobo-names’ lately. In my opinion, it would be a great tragedy if names like “Dutch”, “Knuckles”, “Red” and “Sharky” were to die out from dis-use. Not to mention names like Mavis, Muriel, Norbert, Stanley, and Henrietta…these are all character-building names any child should be honoured to have!

  4. ‘Old West’? Up here in Sonora there are lots of Zacks, Lukes. Jakes and Codys to go around. Don’t know any Loco Petes but I’m sure there are Petes who are Loco. :-D

    (Love your ‘Art’. Miss Bill Watterson and Berkeley Breathed so keep it up.)

  5. Your “Old West” name panel reminded me of a website I ran across a few years ago called “Utah Baby Namer.” The web hosts have collected real names of babies born in Utah as proof that you have not yet heard it all. Sample boy names: Feramorz, JaceSon, Zippie (a pinhead?), and Timberland Miner. Sample girl names: Trauma Anne, Chinchilla Zest, Llean Sharalyn, and Saunsceneyouray. Really. I am not making it up, and there are plenty more where those came from. Check it out at wesclark.com/ubn.

  6. Odd names? Expanding the scope just a bit, I would like to share a name I saw many years ago for a newborn. I only remember her first name: Shitann.

    I wonder if it’s pronounced like it’s spelled?

  7. Hail to thee, o Exalted One! May we call you “Grand” for short? As the prospective nonna of two next spring, I have proposed the names of Thaddeus and Zoltan, but so far my offspring are decidedly ungrateful for my input. :p

    • Or Central America. Many English words become names just because they sound pretty (usually girl names, and two examples are Leydi and Haysell)

  8. Had a family close to us with 3 boys–Cody, Carson and Cheyenne….their mom was pregnant I would have named him Chicago but I have a weird sense of humor. It’s probably why I like your work.

  9. Weary of a name that didn’t exist when I was having kids: Jayden, Jadyn, JayDonn, Jaydun, Jeydin…well, I guess you get the idea. Don’t care for the name in any variation. (Or Caden, Kayden, Quaydn, etc.) Sorry, friends with kids named Jadenetc. I wish I did. How did this name go from non-existent to top-ten list 4 years in a row?

    I’m in favor of naming girls after semiprecious jewels and/or Irish locations, and boys after famous actors of the 50s: Connemara Amethyst Jones, or Cary Grant Smith. Or Dublin Emerald Green, or Alan Ladd Shepherd. Lucky for the world I’m too old to have kids.

    I met a baby named Metallica a few years ago. Thought that showed guts.

  10. So now that you have the proper title that is the envy Jazz Pickles everywhere, will you be proclaiming other titles for the hoi polloi? I always thought titles like Sebastokrator and Landgrave had a certain ring to them…

    • We do have Crystal and Tiffany, which is sort of in the ballpark. I’d love to see the name “Ruby” come back. I used to have a Great Aunt Ruby; always liked that name.

      • did you have a comic about an Aunt Ruby wearing a brick-print dress? I thought it was in one of the older books, but I can’t find it.

        • I did that cartoon in my first year, 1985. I thought it would be in my first book, “Bizarro,” published by Chronicle Books in 1986, but I just looked and it isn’t there so I’ve no idea what to say. My early archives are god-knows-where and so disheveled it would be impossible to find anyway. Sorry I can’t be of more help!

  11. Dear Poobah Piraro,

    Now you got da name

    Go get da fame

    Da pickles gonna clap

    If you get yousef inta rap

    Foye Lavell Lowe, Jr.

    p.s. Sometimes it’s hard to know whether we ought to be celebrating inspired variety in naming and spelling and grammar, or fearing a Tower of Babel in our ability to communicate, but those of us with unusual names, living in glass houses as we do, sure can’t throw rocks . . .

  12. I pledge allegiance to the GIEJP and to the Grand Imperial Exhalted Jazz Poobah for which it stands.

    If someone reminds me that there is no such thing as an original thought, I send them to this link: http://bizarrocomics.com/

    Wiki Answers has this to say on the subject:

    Who said There is no such thing as an original thought.?


    Many people. It is not an original thought.

  13. I tried to convince my niece to name her son “Random” and her daughter “Chaos”. She liked the idea, but her husband vetoed it. Once he got to know his own kids, he realized those would have been better names.

  14. If parents really want uncommon names for their kids, they can go back to some old fashioned traditional names:

    William (Bill), Robert (Bob), James (Jim), John (Jack) , etc.

    Margaret (Peggy, Madge), Elizabeth (Liz, Beth, Bess, Betty), Mary, and so on.

    Glad I have a first name that I don’t have to spell out all the time. At least you aren’t asked for your last name as much as your first name – already have to spell out that one every time.

  15. In 1979 my roommate named her daughter, Vagina. The gal taking down the info gasped, and asked, “Are you sure? Spell it for me, please.” Yep, that’s what she called her. How I wished the curtain hadn’t been pulled so I could have seen the look on her face.

  16. “Ave Magni Caesareae Exhalted Jazz Poobah, salutant te qui per risum.”

    google translation of “Hail Grand Imperial Exhalted Jazz Poobah, those who are about to laugh salute you.”

    Jazz Pickle Centuria,

    faithful legionnaire Kathleen Alexander

    posted in Hispania

  17. Oh Grand Imperial Exhalted (Most High) Jazz Poobah:

    Messiah was No. 4 among the fastest-rising baby names in 2012, according to the Social Security Administration’s annual list of popular baby names. …

    A judge in Tennessee overruled the mother’s decision.

  18. that’s fine you spend the whole blog talking about names…but I read your blog to figure out the bizarro comic…what does stem’s magazine mean?….there must be a joke there somewhere…thanks.

    • I’m not sure how to explain this joke. The long part of a wine glass, the part that is so comically long in this cartoon, is called a “stem.” There is no magazine dedicated to just that part of a wine glass (and why would there be?) so imagining that there is makes some people laugh.

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