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CornHorses

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(Enjoy the delights of embiggenation by clicking any nose within an image.)Bizarro 02-07-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Deep Sea Jazz Pickles.

Today’s big Sunday cartoon is a history lesson wrapped in humor. Two historical facts that one must know to fully appreciate it are these: horses did not occur in the Americas before Europeans brought them, and corn did not occur in Europe until Indians smuggled it in disguised as straight, bumpy bananas wrapped in leafy husks.
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Big Bed Roll

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(Click any image to make your embiggenation dreams come true.) 
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Bizarro is brought to you today by Remembrances.

I’m a big fan of memory foam mattresses. I’ve slept on all kinds of things and tend to have an achy back (because I am a male Homo sapiens past the age of 35) and memory foam is by far the best for me. They are very strange to try to pick up or move, however, because they are much heavier, floppier, and denser than a traditional mattress. Picking up a queen-size memory foam mattress is not unlike trying to move several adult human corpses stuffed into a gigantic sandwich bag. And the answer to your next question is yes.
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Funny Guys Answer Stuff

Yowza, Jazz Pickles, and hello. A writer/artist duo from Canada whom I think are pretty talented are doing something called a “Twitter Q&A” on GoComics tomorrow, Friday, January 29, 2016 at 2:30pm Eastern Time. That’s 1:30 Central and 11:30 on the Left Coast. I have no idea what time it would be in the Rocky Mountains. Strange things happen in those mountains, making it less predictable.
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No Good Dogs

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(To experience these cartoons with embiggenation, click any blueish color in an image.)Bizarro 01-24-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Con Artists.

Dogs are experts of human psychology. They wheedled their way into our families tens of thousands of years ago by convincing us that they understand what we are saying, what is important to us, and how we live. When we are present, they are model citizens and can easily distinguish between your new Prada shoes and a shoe-shaped chew toy. But somehow, as soon as we are gone, they forget which is which and chew the Prada into a shape that is useless to the human foot. You may find pieces of it in a different form out in the yard the next day, but like Humpty Dumpty, there’s no putting it back together again. When confronted with this crime, your dog looks as guilty as O.J. did in his Bronco during the infamous slow-speed chase. This would seem to indicate that your dog knows they’ve done something wrong. But here’s where it gets wonky: if you accuse them of something they didn’t do, in fact, could not have done, like forget to pay your Internet provider and now your wifi has been shut off, they’ll look just as guilty. Do they understand culpability, or do they simply know that when you’re angry, looking “guilty” will garner them some leniency?
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Basket Drivers

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(To instigate the embiggification process, click a limb of any mammal in any image.)Bizarro 01-17-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Fortune Telling Cartoons.

Today’s double-wide Sunday cartoon is simple but I like it. You may need to click the cartoon to instigate the embiggification process in order to fully get the gag.

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I don’t fish anymore and have no interest in it but I used to as a kid so I know of what I speak. I suspect the lack of activity is exactly what many avid fishermen like. I don’t eat fish, either, and never have in any large quantities because I can’t stand the way anything that lives in water tastes. That includes all species of fish (saltwater or freshwater) shellfish, squid, octopus, and seaweed. It all has the same horrendous, foul, rotted-flesh taste to me. I’ve tried many times over the course of my life to learn to like it but have come to the conclusion that my revulsion toward it is genetically programmed. I also firmly believe that the oceans are being systematically destroyed by commercial fishing and since the oceans are the engine of weather on our planet, the prognosis isn’t good. I also dislike the fact that fish are left to suffocate when we catch them. It has always bothered me that there is no way to put a fish out of its misery quickly and humanely. Oops. I just took all the fun out of this cartoon, didn’t I? Sorry.
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Institutional Solopsism

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(To add embiggenation to these cartoons, click any pinkish color within any image.)Bizarro 01-10-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Precious Moments.

I almost never write cartoons based on actual experiences but this one is an exception. I was sitting in a cafe one day having lunch with my beloved Olive Oyl, and in a booth in the corner was a young millennial couple doing what young lovers that age do: staring into their cell phones and completely ignoring each other. (This is the new look of courting, and wow, is it hot.) Suddenly, the young man said quietly and blandly, “selfie,” and they both came to life like corpses hooked up to a generator. They posed as though they were having the wildest time two humans could muster without being arrested, held it for 2.4 seconds, then went back to their cell phone comas as though it had never happened. I don’t think they spoke another word to each other or moved more than a degree or two in either direction until they left. I whispered “thank you” to the universe for dropping such a perfect cartoon into my lap.
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Stolen Babies

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(To achieve enbiggenation of any cartoon, squint your eyes and click it.)Bizarro 01-03-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Scary Logic.

I haven’t seen one of these absurd, invented-crises daytime talk shows in years and wasn’t sure they still existed but recently, while watching something sophisticated and intelligent, I happened to see a commercial for The Jerry Springer Show. Apparently, it’s still on the air with recent episode titles like “Played by a Transsexual,” “Wives Battle Mistresses,” “Stripnotized,” “Battle Royal for Cheese,” and “My Father is My Mother.” Only one of those titles is fake, see if you can guess which one. I’ll put the answer at the end of this post. The larger point is that sometimes it scares me to be trapped on the same planet as people who participate in these shows (onscreen or as viewers) and scares me even more that most of them are allowed to vote. I know that makes me sound like an insufferable elitist but I have long condoned requiring people to pass a simple IQ test before being allowed to vote. Nothing complex, maybe just one or two multiple choice questions like––
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Mucous Defense System

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(If you wish to embiggenate any of these images, use your clicky device.)Bizarro 12-27-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by When Parking Lots Have No Lines Painted On Them.

Today’s cartoon is about a world in which the natives cover their nudity with boxes. You and I may think that naked tissue is not worth covering, but they consider it vulgar and who are we to judge? We consider the sight of human nipples to be a crime, but only if they are attached to a female. Doesn’t matter if they are attached to large breasts or ones as flat as sheetrock, if they’re attached to a female: illegal to expose in public. The Tissue People find this concept utterly ridiculous but then they’ve always tended to be a bit “judgy”.
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Power of Headwear

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(To begin the enbiggenation process, click any article of footwear.)Bizarro 12-20-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Religious Bizarro Christmas Cartoon.

Since we’re in the midst of another horrifying presidential campaign cycle here in the US, I thought a look back at our history might be in order. It is tempting to think that politics have only recently become more about good advertising than good policy, but I suspect that has always been the case. Most voters don’t have the time, education, or brains to research all angles of our current geopolitical situation and pick the candidate with the best ideas for moving the country forward, so we pick the one we “feel” best about. If Abraham Lincoln had worn the items depicted above instead of a normal beard and a stovepipe hat, he would almost certainly have lost the election and, who knows, human slavery might still be legal in the U.S.  I can think of at least one current candidate for president who might not object to that, and he has something on his head almost as ridiculous as a drainage pipe. Let’s hope that (and his unabashed bigotry) keep him out of the White House.
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