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Dangerous Crops

(To begin the embiggenation process, click the gimme cap in the cartoon below.)

Bizarro is brought to you today Trump Voodoo Doll.

There was a time when people were romantic about America’s “heartland,” as though it was where good, wholesome, moral, honest folks came from, as opposed to “big city folk”.  But to my mind these days, it seems to represent people who voted for and continue to support a racist White House that openly promises to take benefits away from poor children, the elderly, the disabled, the disadvantaged-in-general, while arresting innocent children who were born in the U.S. and throwing them out of the country because their parents came here out of desperation to make a better life for themselves and their children. (Don’t even try to tell me the immigrant issue is about jobs because there are no facts to back that bullshit up. And if you think it’s not about racism or jobs, it’s about the “rule of law,” let’s audit your taxes for the last ten years and see how law-abiding you are.)

If all of that isn’t enough to dissuade you from visiting The Heartland, consider that not one newspaper in Nebraska carries Bizarro, but all of them carry Marmaduke and Family Circus. There’s a reason they call these places “Flyover States.” Innumerable reasons, actually.

Disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who thinks racism and bigotry have no place in our government, I’m not talking about you.

Disclaimer disclaimer: If you are a decent, compassionate, open-minded person in The Heartland who enjoys Bizarro but also really enjoys Marmaduke and Family Circus, and not in an ironic way, I might still be talking about you.

Hey! What’s my buddy, Wayno been cartooning about this week?…

The thing I like most about The Bible is that you can interpret it to mean anything you want. (Unless you’re what the rest of us call a “religious nut.”)  In this case, Wayno interprets the “serpent” to be a representative of Kellogg’s who is attempting to entice some friendly naked people into losing their souls while also promoting poor spelling.

All these years I’ve been avoiding snakes and it turns out toucans are the devil. And I guess that lump in the front of my throat is an “Adam’s Loop.”

Wayno writes about our week in cartoons every weekend, too, and you’ll find a link to that post at the end of this one. BUT… here’s a short, older post in which he describes the clever name he has given to the specific mechanism behind the Froot Loop joke above.

I hope he carries a really big towel to the gym to wipe off the machines when he’s done melting all over them. When he’s had a really good workout, he rewards himself with a slice of nose cake.

If you’ve not been to my mostly-new shop lately, please have a look. We sell products to help support our cartooning habits as newspapers continue to get smaller and fewer. Below is a poster I designed and illustrated specifically for your home, office, clubhouse, or bunker.

As a kid, I wasn’t particularly afraid of monsters under my bed but as an adult, I always check under my analyst’s couch before I lie down.

Lately, I’ve been indulging myself in what the Interwebs call, “Throwback Thursday.” Surprisingly, it does not involve pictures of fish that people have caught that are too small to eat––that’s called “Here’s a Picture of Me Torturing a Helpless Water Dweller Thursday”. Throwback Thursday is actually about stuff from the past, so below is a cartoon I did in 2003.

This is one of those comics that was based on my own experience during which I was trapped inside a small store in Kansas for 45 minutes while I tried to convince the other customers that the town was not closed, this was simply the back of a sign meant to be read from outside. “Then why ain’t it red?” was the reply.

This is what happens when entire states don’t carry Bizarro. I make mean jokes about them. Sometimes as I fly over them.

It took an embarrassingly long time but we are now finding out that women can do anything that men can do. Unfortunately, they still have to do it at a fraction of what men are paid to do the same job. (Especially white men.)

No, this does not mean we hate men or are ashamed to be men or white or want all white people, especially the men, to be rounded up and shot into outer space. We just support fairness no matter what color you are or what kind of plumbing you have. And no, America does NOT already have that kind of fairness.

In honor of women, Wayno and I are supporting a swell non-profit organization that helps educate girls and young women in technological fields, which are currently overwhelmingly dominated by men.  We recommend checking them out and possibly tossing a buck or two their way. Girls Who Code.

I prefer to participate in happy hour at home where the drinks are even cheaper and the atmosphere makes me a lot happier.  And yes, after the initial hour, I become all of those other things listed on the sign. Just don’t drop by my house unannounced after a certain time, that’s all I’m saying.

“Watson! We’ve invented something that will one day be used to take pictures of every plate of food we eat.” 

“Hmm. It’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to do that, but okay. Whatever.”

Even so, here we are a hundred-and-some years later with phones that take pictures, answer questions, promote fake news, rig elections in favor of our enemies and a thousand other things. And yet, most of the time, the reception on actual phone calls isn’t any better than Bell’s prototype. (sigh)

Until next week, my precious Jazz Pickles––be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance and fascism. And while we’re at it, our official Bizarro Jazz Pickle enamel pin is BACK IN STOCK after the initial batch sold out! Grab one now before it sells out again!

Wayno: Weekly blogTwitterInstagramWaynoVision

Piraro: Bizarro shop (enamel pins, a Hello Shitty shirt and more!)  Bizarro tip jar Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original cartoon art Piraro Instagram  Piraro Twitter Piraro coloring book

Dogs Who Drive

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(For readers who wish to embiggenate these images, click any blue-colored thing.)Bizarro 06-05-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Perhaps The Best Option.

Here’s a fun take on distracted driving, which has always been a major public safety issue and is getting worse all the time. It is estimated that over 600% of all accidents caused by teenaged drivers are the result of cell phone use. No, that math does not make sense, but teenagers aren’t any good at math, either, which is another big problem with this country. How are they going to repair the desolate wasteland we are leaving them if they are too busy texting to do the math? See what I’m saying?

In the background of this cartoon is a nice shot of Bunny’s Pie Repair. Bunny won’t live forever and who is going to carry the necessary business of pie repair forward into the rest of the 21st century––some millennial dressed up like an imaginary super hero on their way to Comic Con, crashing into cars and pedestrians as they send selfies of their private parts to politicians? I think you get my point. We’re in trouble, people.

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Well, apparently I’m on some kind of rant against the Interwebs this week. Well, if you can find a better target than this technological vampire that sucks so much life and time out of our daily existence, let me know and I’ll rant against that, too. It occurred to Olive Oyl and me lately that the Internet makes us feel like we’re not as popular as other people, that a lot of things are going on that we know nothing about, and that we might be attacked by an ignorant, unfeeling jackass at any moment. Just like junior high school. There are billions of examples from the Web that make this point , but the similarity between Donald Drumpf’s tweets and the childish pronouncements of an adolescent bully is certainly a prime one.

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One thing cave men are always good for is a bit of word play. I’ve always been interested in how language among humans developed, as you can see from this Bizarro cartoon from the past. I hope to speak a language myself, one day. The only thing holding me back is that there are so many words you have to memorize.
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I used to ride a bike a lot back in the 90s and actually wore cycling clothes for a while. (If you clicked that link, give yourself a moment to stop shuddering.) When you’re into the sport, you begin to lose perspective on how truly alarming the clothes are. It’s a slippery slope.  Here’s a fun cartoon from 2013 about a biker bar.

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I got some grief from believers as a result of this god cartoon, as I almost always do. Many were quick to remind me that “god does not damn people, we damn ourselves”. I couldn’t agree more, but for completely different reasons than I assume they meant. Other readers wondered why an omnipotent being would be bald. My answer is that in a place where hospital gowns and Birkenstock sandals are popular, baldness might also be the Height of fashion. (Capitalization intentional.)

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This ventriloquism gag is one of my favorite efforts in a long time. I love that it takes a few seconds to realize what’s going on, and also that it plays on that myth that ventriloquists can actually throw their voice to another part of a room. When I first drew it, the dog was awake and his head was up. That’s the version that printed in newspapers and appeared in the daily feed at King Feature’s site. I later decided that drawing the dog asleep works a little better because it more quickly removes the option that the dog is the one speaking. Here’s the original version. So I redrew the dog for this blog post and will use this version for all future uses.

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When I wrote this gag I thought it was clear but now that I see it weeks later, I notice it could be interpreted a different way. I meant for the dog to be referring to the woman with whom he lives, not the dog he is talking to. Dogs and people often disagree on what “gross” is. My dog, for instance, thinks placing her nose 1/4 inch from a fresh, steaming pile of the excrement of another dog is perfectly acceptable. In fact, she seems to think it is essential. Perhaps this is how dogs text each other. Thank god dogs can’t drive.

I deeply appreciate those of you who take the time to read my comments rather than just blasting through the cartoons and moving over to Twitter where Justin Bieber is discussing what he had for brunch. If you are one of these fine folks, bless you! If you’ve enjoyed my work over the years and would like to show your appreciation, perhaps toss a small something into the Tip Jar in the margin of this page. One-time donations or monthly contributions are much appreciated! Being a patron of the things you’d like to see more of on the Web feels good and benefits the Internet community upon which we all depend. Do not, however, view my cartoons while driving. If you must use your phone, let your dog drive.

 

Too Many Babies

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(To embiggenate any cartoon, hold down your breakfast and click any yellowish color thrice.)

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Bizarro is brought to you today by My Favorite Click Bait of the Week.

If you’re a person who is uncomfortable being honest about sex with your children, this cartoon is an excellent way to teach them about reproduction. It’s a bit more accurate than the old “stork” story, and in a court of law you could argue that it is technically true; babies come from inside the mother. Of course, if you do use this as a teaching tool for your children, prepare to be raising your grandchildren in a few years because their parents are still in middle school.

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Doctors are full of good advice like this. Other good doctor advice: never get this naked.

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Here’s a lovely little cartoon for all my fellow “grammar nazis” out there. I actually hate being someone who has strong urges to correct people’s grammar, and so does everyone else who doesn’t share this compulsion. I’ve become good at not correcting people in social situations but as my domesticated partner, Olive Oyl, can attest, I’m not always good about resisting the urge at home. I honestly don’t know if it is genetic or learned behavior from having attended Catholic school, where they convinced me that if I could not speak and write well, others would think I was a moron.

I should mention that Olive Oyl writes and speaks very well and gives me precious little opportunity to correct her. That’s a prerequisite for me. Poor grammar and/or the inability to write a well email is a huge turnoff for me. I even pay attention to punctuation and capitalization when texting. Yes, I’m that far gone.

I should also mention that while my skills in this area are far superior to most people’s these days (which isn’t saying much) I am far from infallible and have been corrected many times by readers of this blog. Witch I appreciate because I hate to have eras in these posts.

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I have no idea where this weird little scenario above came from. I was thinking about what they call in the movie industry “meet cutes,” and then I thought about how women love kittens and there I was. Here’s another favorite cartoon of mine about a similar couple.

 

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I like this cartoon because it bothers me how many Americans think that all media is biased. All media has some bias in it because humans are nearly incapable of operating without it, but some media prides itself on accuracy and openly identifies opinions and editorials as such, rather than disguising them as factual stories. That’s not to say they aren’t sometimes wrong, but when they are, it is truly inadvertent and corrections are made. Their business is built entirely on accuracy. A few examples of this kind of trustworthy news source are The New York Times, The Washington Post, and NPR.

The biggest example of a media outlet that knowingly misleads the public in an attempt to achieve the political goals of its owners and operatives is FOX News Channel. Their business is not built on being trustworthy, but on convincing their viewers that they are being lied to by everyone else. That’s an enormous and important difference. From inside that bubble, it can seem you’ve stumbled upon the only news source that’s really telling you the truth. But it bears noting that it would take a worldwide conspiracy of impossible proportions for FOX’s claims to be even close to true. It’s The Emperor’s New Clothes.

This cartoon also addresses the fact that as our attention spans get shorter, TV news necessarily has to pander to us in childish ways to compete in the ratings. I have no doubt that a news channel like the one described above would become extremely popular.

And, in grammar news, it should correctly read “…none of the facts is true” but since it’s a character talking, I can get away with using the common vernacular. (Take that, grammar nazis!)

 

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This cartoon about the traditional Judeo-Christian god got a lot of comments this week. The vast majority were very positive but, predictably, some were negative. The negative comments were mostly from people who found it offensive to depict god as an ape. (I am amused by the fact that humans are also apes, and nobody complains when you depict god as one of those. Also that so many people envision god as a male. Why would god need genitals?)

I was raised in a devout Catholic family and attended six years of Catholic school. I later spent a few years as a “born again” Christian and did the whole fundamentalist Bible study thing. Neither of these disciplines held up to my standards of “truth.”  But because I was raised to take religion seriously, I kept searching for answers.

As a young adult I did a lot of reading about a wide variety of religions from around the world and throughout history, as well as various mythologies. I’ve also studied the Bible both academically and as a believer. All of this exposure to the ways humans express their notions of the divine gave me a perspective that confining oneself within a single culture does not. Eventually I began to form my own conclusions and was finally able to regard any and all human religions as mythologies we’ve created to explain or comfort ourselves in a very complex universe. That’s not to say those comforts are not needed or are necessarily a bad thing. We all gotta do what we gotta do to get by.

But a few things jump out at you pretty quickly once you step outside of whatever cultural bubble you were raised in: Who wrote that god looks like a human male? Human males. Who wrote that Jews are god’s chosen people? Jews. Who wrote that women are to be subservient to men? Men. Who wrote that anyone who disrespects Islam should be severely punished? Etc. The list goes on and on.

My current perspective could be called atheist, but it does not rule out some kind of incomprehensible unifying force in the universe. It does, however, most certainly rule out the possibility of any one man-made religion being even remotely “true” in the sense that so many of us believe it is. It also rules out any possibility that a divine, omnipotent power in our incomprehensibly infinite universe looks like a human male. Or that such an incomprehensibly powerful entity could be insecure enough to be offended by my miserable little cartoon depicting it as the wrong species of ape.

I would also say that since humor is one of the most pleasurable, powerful, and beneficial forces in human life, it is impossible to believe that if there is a God, He/She/It was not responsible for creating it.

 

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This cartoon grew from the controversy surrounding the Oscars earlier this year. It was posited that mainstream Hollywood films do not offer enough good roles for people who do not happen to be mostly Caucasian. I don’t pay close enough attention to the industry to have an opinion on that, but I would definitely be interested in the film mentioned in this cartoon.

Well, Jazz Pickles, I’m off for another week of cartoon-making. Since so many people read my cartoons online now (for free) instead of in newspapers (which is who pays me) it becomes increasingly difficult for guys like me to make a living. So we sell things. Here’s some stuff I’m selling now that help to bridge gaps and provide me with an uninterrupted stream of tequila, chips, and salsa. Thanks for your support!

Very nice, signed prints of one of my strange sketchbook images, soon to be a page of a book coming out this fall. $25 to $50 There are less than 20 of each of these sizes so you could call it a limited edition. Have a look!

Super nice, framed, signed and numbered, limited-edition fine art prints from a fancy LA art gallery. $200  Have a look!

Basket Drivers

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(To instigate the embiggification process, click a limb of any mammal in any image.)Bizarro 01-17-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Fortune Telling Cartoons.

Today’s double-wide Sunday cartoon is simple but I like it. You may need to click the cartoon to instigate the embiggification process in order to fully get the gag.

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I don’t fish anymore and have no interest in it but I used to as a kid so I know of what I speak. I suspect the lack of activity is exactly what many avid fishermen like. I don’t eat fish, either, and never have in any large quantities because I can’t stand the way anything that lives in water tastes. That includes all species of fish (saltwater or freshwater) shellfish, squid, octopus, and seaweed. It all has the same horrendous, foul, rotted-flesh taste to me. I’ve tried many times over the course of my life to learn to like it but have come to the conclusion that my revulsion toward it is genetically programmed. I also firmly believe that the oceans are being systematically destroyed by commercial fishing and since the oceans are the engine of weather on our planet, the prognosis isn’t good. I also dislike the fact that fish are left to suffocate when we catch them. It has always bothered me that there is no way to put a fish out of its misery quickly and humanely. Oops. I just took all the fun out of this cartoon, didn’t I? Sorry.

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I don’t know if I would be able to believe it is not blubber because I’ve never eaten blubber. But it is my understanding that the people who settled in the far northern areas of North America and are now politically-correctly called “Inuits” have traditionally eaten a lot of blubber. I’m sure I would find it disgusting because the kind of blubber they eat comes from animals that live in water.

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I wrote this cartoon because I can’t stand being able to smell someone else’s cologne or perfume unless I’m actually making out with them. Any more than that is too much, in my opinion.

I also really enjoy cartoons with punchlines that are exclusively graphic. This cartoon, for instance, only works in a drawing and could not be dramatized on video or film because the joke is about the way something that gives off a strong odor is commonly drawn. I wish I could give you another example of this kind of cartoon from the Bizarro archival dungeon but I can’t think of one right now. Damn.

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A little punny, this one, but I like the occasional pun. Nothing more to say about it.

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I got one piece of hate mail from this cartoon from a guy telling me to keep my liberal BS to myself. I think it’s a little funny that he assumed I was talking about the Republican debates since the cartoon doesn’t specify. I’m guessing he has noticed what I have, that  the Democratic debates have been mostly about income disparity, health care, the cost of college, and other social issues for grown-ups, while the Republican debates have been mostly about fear: ISIS, terrorists, immigrants stealing your jobs, Islamic extremists disguised as refugees, America losing its “greatness”, etc. Any psychologist will tell you that nothing motivates people more than fear and politicians have been using this tactic since the beginning of civilization. Those people are the problem and I will get rid of them!” (Incidentally, none of the things on the GOP fear list are statistically likely to touch your life in any significant way.)

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I don’t know if there are public sandboxes anymore but there used to be when I was a kid. And they always had cat turds in them. No surprise there. If your kids want to play in sand, it’s safer to bring them to the beach because cats don’t like water. They may come across discarded syringes, chemicals, and other forms of human pollution but that’s nothing a good hazmat suit won’t protect against.

That’s all for this week’s roundup, Jazz Pickles. Hope you have a dandy week and do not eat anything that tastes as bad to you as fish does to me.

Institutional Solopsism

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(To add embiggenation to these cartoons, click any pinkish color within any image.)Bizarro 01-10-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Precious Moments.

I almost never write cartoons based on actual experiences but this one is an exception. I was sitting in a cafe one day having lunch with my beloved Olive Oyl, and in a booth in the corner was a young millennial couple doing what young lovers that age do: staring into their cell phones and completely ignoring each other. (This is the new look of courting, and wow, is it hot.) Suddenly, the young man said quietly and blandly, “selfie,” and they both came to life like corpses hooked up to a generator. They posed as though they were having the wildest time two humans could muster without being arrested, held it for 2.4 seconds, then went back to their cell phone comas as though it had never happened. I don’t think they spoke another word to each other or moved more than a degree or two in either direction until they left. I whispered “thank you” to the universe for dropping such a perfect cartoon into my lap.

I’m also quite fond of the title panel above. It was cobbled together from an old cartoon that had a caption but I think it stands just as well by itself. The original cartoon is beneath the “Precious Moments” link above.

But what about the rest of the cartoons from last week? Let’s review:

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Here’s a cute little funny about a rodent who has fallen victim to a medieval boobytrap. Painful, yes, but it could’ve been worse.

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I actually like accordions and I don’t believe poltergeists (or poultrygeists) but having one of these things in your house would be a real inconvenience. After you’d showed it to all your friends and had a good laugh, that is.

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As a handful of good samaritans and a couple of sanctimonious oafs told me, there is no such thing as “elephantitis.” The correct term is “elephantiasis.” I admit I’ve never heard or read the correct term, I’ve only heard of elephantitis, so it was an honest mistake. However, even if I had known the correct term I’d likely have used the incorrect one because it is my belief that this is the common vernacular, and since I’m writing a cartoon and not a journalistic piece, I like to use the form most readily recognized by most people so they get the joke quickly and don’t have to wonder what it means. Here’s a favorite old cartoon of mine that also uses an incorrect medical term or two.

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This cartoon got a fair amount of attention on social media. It’s a truly brilliant pun and I wish I could take full credit for it. It was the brainchild of my good friend and occasional collaborator, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay. Puns can be an “easy” form of comedy and one that is widely disrespected as a result of that, but in my opinion a truly clever and surprising pun is a treat and Cliff’s are routinely the best I’ve come across. This one verges on genius. If you like wordplay, Cliff has recently published his first book and it makes an excellent little gift, coffee table accessory, or bathroom reader. Buying a handful of these will be doing a good turn for a wonderful guy!

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Anyone who has attended art school had been in a room like this with a naked person standing on the platform in the middle. I got to thinking about it one day and a stray neuron fired off in my noggin that combined those utterly sterile, graphic figures used on signage with my memories of college art classes. I like the result a lot. Here’s an older Bizarro cartoon about modeling class that I still love.  (Trivia buffs: I make a cameo appearance in this cartoon as the guy at the right border in a blue shirt, and my beloved Olive Oyl is the gal in pink, just under the eyeball on the wall. I have no idea who the rest of these people are.)

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If you’re a big fan of spicy food, as I am, you are likely annoyed when you eat at a Mexican restaurant and everything is geared toward sissy tourists who buy “mild” hot sauce. Yes, that’s right, I called people who can’t stand spicy food sissies. Wanna make something of it?

That’s it for this week’s cartoon review, Jazz Pickles. I hope 2016 is rocking your Good Times van in a serious way.

Turkey Toys

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(To enlargefy any image, click any character’s nose.)Bizarro 12-13-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Poor Timing.

During the month of December, I’ll be featuring some of my favorite holiday Bizarro cartoons from years past under most of the blue links in my posts, so don’t miss them!

This cartoon glimpse inside Santa’s Workshop was based on a fleeting idea about turkeys posing as elves in an attempt to avoid being eaten on Thanksgiving. I’m not certain the concept is funny in and of itself, but I thought the drawing might be amusing enough to save it. I enjoyed drawing turkeys trying to manage tools with their cumbersome wings as hands. There are six of my “secret symbols” in this drawing, one of which is a toy one of the elves is working on, which is funny to me. If you’re not familiar with the Bizarro Secret Symbols, have a lookit this and be forever changed. (Sorry, that wasn’t a holiday BIzarro cartoon from the past but the next link will be.)

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When I hear terms like “human cannonball” I often think it would be more interesting to see one like this than to see a human shot out of a cannon. When constructing this cartoon I chose to put them in a waiting room of some kind. I have no idea why.
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I confess I’ve read a few self help books in my day and found them to be very helpful. But if someone knowledgeable puts their wisdom in a book and it helps you change your thinking or behavior or whatever, then they are helping you. You’re not really helping yourself, right?  Perhaps I need a book that will help me let go of the literal inaccuracies of common expressions. On a side note, virtually all artists loathe drawing shelves full of products; one way I alleviate the tedium of it is to put some fun book (or product) titles in. Do you know anyone who could use the “So Your Parents Ruined You: Get Over It” book? I do.

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Here’s a simple gag that is a variation of getting your eyes dilated during a visit to an ophthalmologist. Since I’ve nothing brilliant to say about this one, here’s another Bizarro Holiday cartoon you may enjoy.

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I’ve often mused over the similarity of the words “insane” and “inane,” so I wrote a cartoon about it. Coming up with inane things for the inmates to say was the most fun part. Do you consider yourself inane, or ane? I pride myself on being the former.

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Speaking of ridiculocity, I just love my Victoria’s Secret Agent. I saw the new Bond film last week and it makes it all the more fun.

bz panel 12-12-15I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m no fan of “politically correct” language. It isn’t that I want to go around using epithets or slurs, I most certainly do not. But I find the recent habit we have of taking an innocuous term that was never meant to be derogatory, like “oriental,” deciding that it is offensive and effectively outlawing and pressuring people in polite society to use a different, equally innocuous term a bit inane (callback!) Why do we fail to realize that after a certain number of years of hearing bigots use the new term, we will find it offensive, too, and move on to something else. The whole exercise, in my inane opinion (too many times!) is a red herring. I do not believe that forcing bigots to say a new word encourages them to abandon their racism. An Asian person can be denied an apartment by a racist landlord as easily as an oriental person could. The “N-word” (the word so dangerous no one as pale as I dare type it!) on the other hand, is different in that as far back as anyone can remember it has been used as an insult. I’m all for changing that. But the parade of “preferred” terms we’ve replaced it with in my lifetime alone (colored, negro, black, African American) is a bit of a red herring, too. Have members of the race in question found they are achieving income parity and that cops are treating them more fairly each time we announce a new favorite moniker? I doubt it. Plus, what do you call a person of this heritage who is from another country? African Frenchman? African Japanese? It verges on inane very quickly.

I have no doubt that some people will be offended by the paragraph above. But those are the people who think that speaking of race relations in any form other than those approved by (well-meaning) activists is racism. It is not. If we can’t use our critical thinking skills to discuss these things openly, I suspect we’ll make very little progress on what is a real problem in our increasingly claustrophobic world.

Enough of the serious!  Here’s another Bizarro holiday cartoon from days gone by!

And here is the perfect, unique, thoughtful gift for the Bizarro fan in your life. Signed, numbered, limited-edition fancy fine art prints of some of my favorite gags.

Sea of Serious

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(And when the illustration of the escaping Israelites was clicked, the Lord embiggenated it.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sibling Rivalries of the Bible.
Bizarro 10-04-15 WEBEver wonder what those crazy stories in the Old Testament (or Torah) mean? Neither do I, but they are fun to do cartoons about and since it was supposed to have happened so long ago, very few people will say, “Too soon.” One might also wonder if this cartoon was created to mirror the current refugee crisis in the Middle East and Europe and the answer would be no, not directly. Pretty much any time one does a cartoon about escaping refugees, there’s going to be a group of refugees somewhere in the real world. Sadly, humans have a fairly consistent habit of treating each other horribly and keeping each other on the run.

bz panel 09-28-15In other cartoon tragedies this week, this vet was swallowed by a snake. I was somewhat inspired to this cartoon by my friend, Jan, who has a hugely big Burmese Python named Louise, who once swallowed a UPS man who came to the door and Louise had to be force fed laxatives to save him. And I swear everything about that sentence is absolutely true other than the part about the UPS man.

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Here’s a guy––let’s call him Rusty––who has decided to enter the entrepreneurial field of pigeon fast food. Business is thriving but he’s yet to turn a profit. Come to think of it, it sort of mirrors my experiences with offering my cartoons for free on the Interwebs. If you feel badly about having read my cartoons for years and never sending me anything in return, you could buy a few of these T-shirts for yourself and others. The holidays are not far off, if I recall. (Only available till Oct 14)

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If you’re completely uneducated you may never have heard of The Dark Ages. Lucky for you, I have and am now going to tell you all about them.They happened a very long time ago in Europe, most people were poor and ignorant, a small handful of powerful kings had all the money and control, and very little progress of any kind was made. Sounds not unlike the very near future of the US should Donald Trump be elected president.

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I once worked for an ad agency that was full of artists and creative types who literally never had to deal with the public. For some reason, one day the boss decided to pass a dress code requiring men to wear ties. That was pretty much the whole dress code. No requirements for women, just “men must wear ties”.  So I went to a Goodwill and bought the three largest, fattest, brightest, ugliest ties I could find and wore all three around my neck every day. Yes, I did. I’m just that edgy. No, I did not get fired but I probably should have. (The dress code was very unpopular with pretty much everyone and the boss gave it up after a few weeks.)

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I was waiting for a well-meaning reader to write to me to complain that this Shoplifting Channel cartoon was a bad influence on children but no one has. Bummer.

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When I was a child in the mid 1900s, I remember seeing a guy on a TV show, movie, or cartoon who could make his hula girl tattoo dance by flexing his muscle. Years later, it became this cartoon. If I knew anything about animation, I’d animate it.

Click here if you’d like to show your appreciation for the fine cartoons I have been providing for you for the last many decades. These are all organic cotton and ship anywhere in the world for a reasonable shipping fee.

 

Hillbilly Physics

Bizarro 09-27-15 hdrWEB(To enlargenize the cartoon below, just click the city boy’s spleen.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Creepy Mannequins.

Bizarro 09-27-15 WEBI’ll start today by saying I really love the title panel at top. It was cobbled out of a piece of an old Sunday cartoon of mine from ’08 which is one of my favorites. You can see it here. The “City Boy” cartoon itself is another of my favorite concepts. I actually published this idea several decades ago as a weekday cartoon but it was before cartoons were featured on the web and before I had learned to color my own work for print in Photoshop. SO –– I couldn’t resist redoing it with better art and color. I hope you enjoy the creepy goodness of the bottom-lit hillbillies.

bz panel 09-21-15The weekday cartoons from last week looked exactly like the six that follow here. Holder and Son are still pissing off customers by keeping them on hold indefinitely. We’ve all called these guys before.

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Mopeye the Tailor is hard at work threatening his customer very much the way his brother might. On a side note, when my first child was on her way and I didn’t know what its pronoun would be, I wanted to name the thing Popeye if it were a boy. The child’s mother steadfastly refused but I figured I’d call him that anyway. Who says both parents have to name their kid the same thing? She was a girl and so was the only other child I was directly responsible for so the controversy never materialized.  As some of you know, their names are Krapuzar and Krelspeth, and it is a wink to them when I put a “K2” in my cartoons.

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I think I accidentally published this cartoon twice in recent years. It’s the perfect one to do that to considering the subject matter. Guess I need to get back to my support group.

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Back when I used to play a lot of tennis, I had a weak ankle that gave me a bit of trouble from time to time so I had to learn the proper way to wrap it. Years later, this cartoon sprouted from the experience.

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I got a few notes asking me to explain this one, which was completely expected because it is a bit tricky. The simple answer is that, as the sign predicts, they were (emotionally) moved by the sale. This pun was submitted by a reader and it took me a few beats to figure it out, too. But once I did, I laughed. Hope you did too. Many thanks to 71-year-old Rick Targow for the pun!

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Our last cartoon this week is about macro vs. micro. Is it a big laugh or a small one? This idea sprung from the fact that back in the 60s or so, in the early days of computers, the most powerful computer in the world was about the size of a UPS truck and it had a capacity of something like 5MG of information. That’s smaller than a single cartoon of mine after it has been colored in Photoshop at the size and resolution King Features requires for publication.

Last thing: I’m appearing in a few hours at the Eugene Oregon downtown public library. I’m supposed to be doing a “talk” but I’m going to hijack it and turn it into a comedy show. Free, all ages, you will laugh at least once or you can take any book in the building home for free. (As long as you bring it back in two weeks.) Have a great week, Jazz Pickles!

X-ray Hijinks

(For the making of biggerized pictures, click them with the thingy.)Bizarro 08-30-15 hdrWEBBizarro is brought to you today by Where Did I Put My Keys?

Bizarro 08-30-15 WEBSince I hate the TSA security protocols at airports so much (and commercial airlines themselves, come to think of it) I really like this gag. Three of my favorite things about it are the ancillary gags, however. The two signs near the X-ray machine and the “secret symbol” on the X-ray screen itself. Click the image to view it larger and you’ll be able to see this stuff. I also really love the title panel, which is a small part of an old Sunday cartoon I did in 2009 in collaboration with a buddy of mine, Victor Rivera.

And now, the week’s rundown…

bz panel 08-24-15Monday’s comic has us revisiting that familiar childhood situation of trying to convince your mom you’re too sick to go to school. This clammy little fellow is striking out.

bz panel 08-25-15A week doesn’t go by that I don’t find myself irritated by the absurd legal culture of the U.S.  Virtually everyone doing business here lives in fear of being sued over the stupidest things and so must go to ludicrous and childish lengths to protect themselves. The result is that there is so much superfluous information that few people bother to wade through the idiocy to find the stuff they might actually need to know.

bz panel 08-26-15I got an angry email from a reader about this “explosive” cartoon. She was concerned that with all the terrorism and violence in the world, this cartoon was a bad influence on children. I’m not sure how that equates but my inspiration for this cartoon wasn’t terrorism but rather the hot temper I inherited from my father. When we were younger, we were both prone to launch into irrational, narcissistic rages from time to time. Maturity and anti-depressants eventually (all but) cured us, I’m happy to say. Although my partner, Olive Oyl, can attest to the fact that I can still be a real asshole now and then.

bz panel 08-27-15I actually expected to get a bit of bad mail about this capital punishment gag but I did not. By the way, I’m against capital punishment, not because I believe that everyone has a right to live but because I think it holds violence up as an official and sanctioned solution to certain problems. I suspect living under a government that sanctions violence breeds more violence on the personal level by its citizens. I’d like to read more about both sides of this philosophy before making up my mind for good, however.

bz panel 08-28-15I’m quite happy with this Star Trek gag. “Are we there yet” cartoons are pretty common so it’s fun to find a new and clever way to present it. Here’s the other favorite gag of mine in this category.

bz panel 08-29-15If you don’t get this last gag of the week, it is likely because you’ve never heard of or your mind is not recalling Right Guard antiperspirant.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. Hope you have a terrific week ahead!

One of My Faves

One of my favorite and most popular cartoons (among people who are not jackasses to the planet) is available on T-shirts until Monday, August 10, 2015 ONLY!  A portion of the proceeds will go to Roots & Shoots, an educational kid’s program run by the Jane Goodall Institute. Have a look and grab and shirt before it’s too late! And please forward the link to your adoring masses in any way you can!

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