Page 1 of 13512345...102030...Last »

So Much Funny

Bizarro 02-01-15 Hdr WEB Bizarro 02-01-15 WEB

(Make any cartoon bigger by clicking it. Whatsamatter? Scared?)

Bizarro is brought to you today by This Kind of Music.

Those of you who read my ramblings regularly know that I’m no fan of the human race. We were terrific up until the invention and widespread use of agriculture, and then everything went to hell in a relatively short amount of time; war, disease, pollution. Yes, agriculture caused all of that.  Not much can be done about it now in the same way that you cannot put toothpaste back into a tube once you’ve given it a good hard squeeze, but it is lamentable. As things are now, the last thing the world needs is more humans, so this cartoon is about that.

It is rare that I will use a stormy sky in one of my cartoons that is not about a storm (I use them on cartoons about the Noah’s Ark myth but rarely any other time) but I thought in this case it lent a certain deserved ominousness. I hope I don’t live to see the end of the comfort we have built for ourselves here in America, but I very well might. Yikes.

bz panel 01-26-15I also did some other cartoons last week and here they are. I usually post the panel (vertical) and strip (horizontal) versions of the cartoons but today I decided if the strip version doesn’t add anything new, what’s the point of posting it?  Let me know if that  bothers you and why it would behoove me to bz strip 01-26-15bz panel 01-27-15spend the extra time to remedy that.

Regarding specific comments about these cartoons, I have nothing to say about the naked office or GPS cartoon, but would like to say I have no idea what I was thinking when I did the one about slaves rowing a ship. For some reason, I wondered what bz strip 01-27-15could be worse than being a bz panel 01-28-15slave rowing a ship in olden times, then thought of one of those overly-chatty women on airplanes that I loathe getting stuck next to and thought, yes, that would be the worst of all possible worlds. I don’t think it’s a particularly successful cartoon, but then I have published nearly 11,000 gags in my life so I’m due a clinker or two.

bz panel 01-29-15Come to think of it, there were a couple of pretty weird cartoons this week. The rat cartoon is terribly strange, but in a good way, I think. Are we supposed to assume that this woman is in a long-term relationship with a giant rat? And that her comment about drugs in college somehow explains it? I guess we are.

I’m going on record as saying I’m pretty proud bz panel 01-30-15bz panel 01-31-15of this proctologist gag. Take Your Daughter To Work Day, which is now called something like “Take Your Child To Work Day” because they suddenly realized the rather absurdly blatant sexism in the original name, has always amused me but I don’t think I’ve ever done a cartoon about it. As I thought about a place a child would definitely not want to be taken to work, this scenario immediately came to mind because I’ve never been able to understand what kind of person goes all the way through the rigors of becoming a doctor, only to choose to specialize in diseases of the asshole. Assholes are unpleasant enough when they’re healthy.

This last gag about being a jerk was brought about by the fact that Olive Oyl and I are moving in together at the end of February and I can’t help but wonder if she’s making a huge mistake. I’m sure I’m not making a mistake, but I can’t say that she’s not.  After my most recent divorce (3 years ago, after 9+ years of marriage to a woman who pretended to be happy and normal but was actually cheating on me routinely, committed a felony with an ex-boyfriend that ended up costing me around $50K, was hiding a fairly serious drug and alcohol addiction, and then I found out that pretty much everything she’d told me for the duration of our relationship was a lie and you would totally NOT! believe the stories I could tell you about the antics she got up to so I left her but she’s still dragging me through court 3 years later, wanting more and more and more money as if she deserved to be taken care of for the 9+ years we lived together and she never even had a job in spite of my begging her to find something to do with her life) I swore I’d never live with another woman. But Olive Oyl is different (yes, I know I don’t have the most credibility when it comes to this subject) and I am certain things will go well for us IF she can put up with me. I suspect I’m not that easy to live with.

Hope you enjoyed today’s rant. I’ll post again next weekend. Smooches, Jazz Pickles.

 

 


 

Sideways

Bizarro 01-25-15 hdrWEB Bizarro 01-25-15 WEBbz panel 01-19-15bz strip 01-19-15bz panel 01-20-15bz strip 01-20-15bz panel 01-21-15bz strip 01-21-15bz panel 01-22-15bz strip 01-22-15bz panel 01-23-15bz strip 01-23-15bz panel 01-24-15bz strip 01-24-15(To witness the enlargification of any image in any of my blog posts, click them with conviction.)

Bizarro is brought to you this week by No Laughing Here.

I’ve been spending more time lately on my fine art so this museum gag especially appealed to me. The wordplay was devised by my good friend and occasional collaborator, Cliff The King Of Worldplay. If you don’t get it, you’re likely unaware that the terms “portrait” and “landscape” refer to the orientation of the rectangle: taller than wide is portrait, wider than tall is landscape. I could also have made this a picture of a painter and called it “Landscape of a Portrait Artist.” But I didn’t.

By the way, I am accepting commissions in the fine art field at the moment, so if you have some discretionary funds and would like an original painting or drawing from the likes me of, let me know. Soon I will be adding a link to this site with some of my fine art, so you can see the fairly large difference between it and my cartoon style.

On to last week’s cartoons…

Monday: As anyone who knows anything about the rest of the animal kingdom knows, our fellow primates find our rushing around to “accomplish” things hilarious. As do many of us, even though we can’t stop.

Tuesday: This is almost a private joke for myself in that I have lived in California for three years and am still struck by the ubiquitousness of yoga studios here. But that’s a good thing; yoga is good for people both mentally and physically, and can even benefit one spiritually if it is taken in that direction. As for me, I met my beloved Olive Oyl in a yoga class and got my horse-monkey-dog, Jemima from a lady in my yoga class who’d rescued her from the streets of her ‘hood.

Wednesday: Here’s another gag some folks might have to do some research to understand. Google “Claes Oldenburg” and you’ll see that he is an artist famous for constructing enormous versions of everyday objects.

Thursday: I have no explanation for how or why this Abraham Lincoln gag occurred to me. But once it did it made me chuckle so I drew it for you. No, it has no hidden meaning. He’s just comforting a little girl who presumably has a beard.

Friday: I thought of the idea of a passive-aggressive terrorist and wondered what that might look like. So this is what I came up with. Maybe you’re not required to separate your recycling in your area, but surely you are familiar with the concept.

Saturday: Well, the week just kept getting weirder for me. Don’t ask me why a guy who looks like an old-world shepherd but is really a “shepheard” is at a fancy cocktail party because I haven’t a clue. Sometimes strange things amuse me.

 

 

Week That Was

Bizarro 01-18-15 HedrWEBBizarro 01-18-15 WEBbz panel 01-12-15bz strip 01-12-15bz panel 01-13-15bz strip 01-13-15bz panel 01-14-15bz strip 01-14-15bz panel 01-15-15bz strip 01-15-15bz panel 01-16-15bz strip 01-16-15bz panel 01-17-15bz strip 01-17-15(Go ahead and click any of these images and see if I care.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Five Cool Dudes Having a Ball.

I’ve been blogging less frequently lately because I’m working on an oil painting commission and need the extra time. It’s coming along fine, thanks for wondering. I’d like to do more fine art before I die and since I’m old and nearly dead, it’s time to get started on that before it’s too late.

Today’s cartoon stars my beloved Olive Oyl and her cat, Boo. I’m told by one of my Jazz Pickles that Gary Larson did a similar gag back in the 80s and, following the link he provided, I saw that he is correct. Sorry about that. It’s a little embarrassing, but these things happen to cartoonists all the time. His had no secret symbols to look for and mine has seven, though, so there’s that.

Reviewing the cartoons from last week, we have a “hands-on” therapist doing something of a Vulcan Mind Meld on Monday.

On Tuesday a thief is reminded that he’s supposed to take food with his drugs. Since someone invariably asks, I reversed the image between the strip and panel version in order to keep the punchline as close to the end of the reader’s experience as possible.

Wednesday’s cartoon was particularly enjoyed by my friend Randall, from Tulsa. He’s an engineer and says they like to make fun of architects. I didn’t know that but I’m happy to have helped, Randall.

Last Thursday’s cartoon was (and still is) a satire of the Flintstones. As everyone will doubtless remember, Fred’s car didn’t have an engine, he just used his feet to get it moving. Because at least one reader asked about the cables with paddles, I was referring to that contraption they use to zap someone’s heart back into working. Maybe they call that thing a defibrillator, but I’m not exactly sure.

Friday’s cartoon is a hilarious bait-and-switch style gag that plays with the idea of an Indian restaurant. Why aren’t there American Indian restaurants? They probably dined on delicious, healthy cuisine before the White Man arrived with his fast food franchises and high-fructose corn syrup.

Finally, we have Saturday’s cartoon which is about the ubiquitous pumpkin-flavored stuff in America every fall. I dislike pumpkin-flavored things so this gag came from my own personal struggles to keep such things out of my mouth. I wrote, drew, and submitted this cartoon weeks ago but since then have seen a few other everything-is-pumpkin-flavored cartoons. I guess the fad hit critical mass this past year and became a part of the collective unconscious (not the correct usage of that term but you get the idea.) Or maybe people do gags about this every year and I just haven’t noticed, which would be very likely since I don’t much follow cartoons.

PAZZ JICKLES: Exactly a certain number of years ago today, the following cartoon was published in newspapers around the world. This is notable because three days from now is the 30th anniversary of Bizarro. Yes, the first Bizarro cartoon appeared in newspapers on January 21, 1985. How did it suddenly become thirty years later?! It makes my brain hurt. It also makes me feel old. (See comment about my impending death above.) biz03tscooWEB

The Week in Wackadoodle

bizarro 01-11-15 hdr WEBBizarro 01-11-15 WEBbz panel 01-05-15bz strip 01-05-15bz panel 01-06-15bz strip 01-06-15bz panel 01-07-15bz strip 01-07-15bz panel 01-08-15bz strip 01-08-15bz panel 01-09-15bz strip 01-09-15bz panel 01-10-15bz strip 01-10-15Bizarro is brought to you today by My Favorite Kind of Drum Music.

My big Sunday cartoon today (click it to make it bigger) is about a topic that has been on my mind a bit lately. I ride motorcycles and a bicycle through the streets of Los Angeles and cannot tell you the number of times I’ve almost been mowed down by someone messing with their smartphone while they are supposed to be driving. Seriously, people, is your Facebook status or that text that just came in worth spending time in prison for manslaughter? But, like all dark clouds, there is a silver lining: I never wait in traffic lines anymore when I need to get over into a crowded lane. I just go past the traffic, then slowly and calmly move into the desired lane at the last minute in any one of several huge gaps left by people who are looking at their smartphones instead of moving when it’s their turn. Most of them don’t even notice I’m cutting in line because to do that, they’d have to be paying attention to what can be seen through the windshield of their car.

Also in that Sunday jungle cartoon are no less than ELEVEN secret symbols. So click the image to embiggen it and get started hunting! (If you can’t find them all, here’s the answer code!)

As for the rest of these cartoons, they were what published in newspapers the world over last week. Monday’s is about the current generation’s obsession with recording (by vid or pic) their every mundane activity. Tuesday’s is about America’s obsession with food. Wednesday’s  is about an uppity dog. Thursday’s is about pinatas and their most feared enemy. Friday’s is about a job hunt. Saturday’s is about people who never grow up and their parents who let them.

Any questions? No? Excellent. My work here is done.

Prison Begs Execution Horse’s Ass

Bizarro 01-04-15 hdrWEb Bizarro 01-04-15 WEBbz panel 01-01-15bz strip 01-01-15bz panel 01-02-15bz strip 01-02-15bz panel 01-03-15bz strip 01-03-15(To unsmall any image in this post, click it with your mice device.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Too Late.

According to recent emails and comments, today’s humorous illustration about prison has proved to be pretty popular with people who thought it was funny. This makes me happy, too, so it’s a win/win. The idea for this one came from my good buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Worldplay, who also makes me happy.

Late last week, the following cartoons were published worldwide on an as-needed basis. The street-corner beggar is a philosophical twist on an old cartoon motif, which isn’t as laugh-out-loud-funny as it is incredibly deep and thought provoking.

The next one, with the guy about to face a firing squad, is also a modern take on an old cartoon motif.I thought that would be clear, but one reader told me that the execution cartoon “goes too far” in light of the recent beheadings by terrorists. Sorry if anyone else thought that’s where I was going with this, it most certainly wasn’t. While I believe that one of the best ways to deal with fear and tragedy is humor, this gag is not funny enough (nor editorial enough) to justify publishing so soon after that kind of event so I wouldn’t have done that. Just for the record.

My last ‘toon in this batch is a funny situation between a centaur and his personal healthcare professional. Getting health insurance (in the U.S., the only “civilized” country that doesn’t offer free health care to all citizens) must be a real pain in the ass for this poor schmuck. My German penpal, Michael Roth, and I kicked around a dozen centaur cartoons before I finally settled on drawing this one. Thanks, Mr. R.

REZARRO: From 2009, I bring you this view of centaurs and other mythological beings. This one still gives me a chuckle, hope it works the same way for you.

bizarro 02-15-09 CentaurWEB

 

Party Drug Snack Group

bz panel 12-31-14bz strip 12-31-14bz panel 12-29-14 bz strip 12-29-14bz panel 12-30-14bz strip 12-30-14Bizarro is brought to you today by My Choice for Album of the Year.

My least favorite night of the year to leave my hut is New Year’s Eve. One might reasonably think this is a sign that I am getting old but I’ve been this way since my twenties. New Year’s Eve is an arbitrary moment in time that has no meaning for me, it’s also noisier, more expensive, and more crowded than most any other night of the year. There are also a lot of drunks on the roads and sober people have enough trouble controlling their cars. Thus, I can find nothing to recommend it.  On the plus side, however, this New Year’s Eve cartoon is kinda funny.

Then there’s this vision of what it might be like if doctor’s offices adopted the practices of airlines. They both overbook, so why not?

And now, here’s a bit of appetizing zombie fun.

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: Since we’re on the subjects of zombies and the new year, here’s a cartoon about that topic from Jan 2, 2011. It reflects my feelings about the efficacy of online activism in general.bizarro 01-02-11 ZombieWEB (Click it to see it embiggened.)

 

Prank Blog Breakup Cauliflower

Bizarro 12-28-14 hdr Bizarro 12-28-14 WEB(For a larger view, click any dang image in this post.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Santa Gives Birth.

I hope you all had a happy holiday thing, whatever that might mean for you. As for me, I couldn’t be happier that it’s over. In spite of my affinity for the occasional stage performance, I’m actually an introvert and so the rapid succession of parties and family get-togethers really takes a toll on me. I’m looking forward to a few months without obligatory socializing.

I’m happy with my cartoon today. An email buddy of mine from Germany, one Michael Roth (who happens to be a writer) sends me cartoon ideas almost every week. Some of them intrigue me and I end up using them––or a version of them––in Bizarro. This is one such idea and came in as follows, “Snowman school. Little snowboy with magnifying glass bugs snowkid sitting in front of him with sunbeam. Bugged snowkid raises arm: “Mrs. Wiesencramer, Harry is doing it again!” I liked the graphic challenge of drawing a beam of sunlight channeled through a magnifying glass to melt a hole in a fellow snow-classmate. I’m very happy with the way it turned out and encourage you to click on the image and see it larger. There are also plenty of fun side gags in the posters on the wall, so click the image to enlarge it and check those out.

For you who bother to read the text I provide with my cartoons here, I’ll let you in on a fun back story: In the “Anatomy of a Cell” poster on the wall, the tiny hole in the center of the snowflake is designated as “anus.” My editors asked me to remove it because while it isn’t a hugely offensive word or concept, newspaper editors hate it when cartoonists sneak questionable content into their comics. If it had been large and an integral part of the gag, most editors would have likely approved it, but they resent getting emails or phone calls from uptight readers who are complaining about something that they didn’t know was there and had no choice about publishing. I suppose I can’t blame them and in the current climate of declining newspaper revenues, I can’t afford to lose clients so I took it out for the one that ran in newspapers, but left it in on this one for you. bz panel 12-26-14bz strip 12-26-14bz panel 12-27-14bz strip 12-27-14

The following cartoons are from the last two days before today’s Sunday comic. The first one is self explanatory, I think, but the second one confused at least one reader who sent me a comment about it. It’s simple, really; the cartoon looks and sounds exactly like a divorce or breakup of a romantic couple but when you read the bottom caption, you see that it’s something entirely different––a brief visit by a luggage salesman that ended without a sale. I’ve always enjoyed cartoons that misdirect in this way. (see below.)

Bygone Bizarro: This older cartoon is perhaps my favorite example from my career of this kind of misdirection. At first you think you are looking at a typical scene of an Indian pointing out smoke signals to a cowboy, but the bottom caption tells a different story that still makes me chuckle to this day. If you look at it closely, you’ll see they both have a bowl of salad in their laps. Hope you enjoy it.bizarro 09-21-03 TontoCauliflowerWEB

bz panel 12-22-14bz strip 12-22-14bz panel 12-23-14bz strip 12-23-14bz panel 12-24-14bz strip 12-24-14bz panel 12-25-14bz strip 12-25-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Scary Christmas and Santa’s Package.

This week brings four holiday cartoons for your end-of-year enjoyment. I’m  not one who adheres to the religious celebration of Jesus but I’ve long been bothered by the tacky commercial-ization of Christmas in America. To my sensibilities it’s noisy and ugly no matter what the reason, but the fact that it is all supposedly in honor of one of the least materialistic characters in modern times makes it even more unpalatable.  I stopped participating in it back in the early 90s, announcing politely to my friends and family that I wouldn’t be sending cards or giving gifts anymore and did not expect any. On the increasingly rare occasion when I do get a gift, I accept graciously, of course. I’m not trying to be an ass about it, I just don’t want to play anymore. I’ve found it very liberating.

Thus, my Xmas cartoons tend to come from a fairly irreverent place. In case you missed it, my previous post was a collection of 29 of my favorite Xmas-themed Bizarros from years past. Check it out here for more fun.

GHOST OF BIZARRO PAST: Scroll down to see a strange Xmas cartoon of mine from 1997 that depicts what holidays are like in Cookie Land. Other cultures can be so strange. bizarro 12-24-97 WEBThe nation of Cookie Land recently hacked into my website and stole a bunch of top secret information about future comics and some embarrassing emails in which I openly criticized their king, then threatened to attack my blog if I posted this cartoon. I told them, “I’m not Sony, assholes!”

Happy holidays to all my Jazz Pickles. Stay tangy.

Reindeer Games and Predators

Bizarro 12-21-14 hdrBizarro 12-21-14 WEBbz panel 12-19-14bz strip 12-19-14bz panel 12-20-14bz strip 12-20-14bz 12-20-07XmasWEB(For embiggenated views of any of these cartoons, tap it with your pointy thing.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Hilarity of Horror.

Can you believe it’s Christmas week again? It’s been about a year since the last one, so yes, I can. But doesn’t it seem that the older you get, the more often Christmas comes around?  I’d like to propose that we change it from once a year to once every 75 years, to coincide with Halley’s Comet. That way plastic nativity scenes on front lawns can benefit from the more realistic “star”.

In the next few days, I’ll have some fun Xmas cartoons in Bizarro and I’m going to post a special edition of this blog tomorrow (or the next day) with a sled full of my favorite Xmas cartoons from years past.

Today’s post is about Santa’s midlife crisis. This one was fun to draw, but a tad tedious, I must say. I was seeing cheetah spots every time I closed my eyes for days.

These other two cartoons are from Friday and Saturday and I haven’t anything clever to say about them.  Let’s move onto the archival cartoon today.

 
PALEOZARRO: This cartoon from 2007 was wrought from personal experience. I’m one of those people who cannot get a song out of my head, especially annoying ones that I don’t like in the first place. The three Xmas TV specials I commemorate here are chock full of those damned things. Just looking at this drawing again puts those songs in my head and now I’ll be tortured for the next who-knows-how-long. Do you see the sacrifices I make for you, dear reader?

 

Wasting Time

bizarro 12-14-14 hdr WEB Bizarro 12-14-14 WEB (Make any picture bigger by clicking it with your clicker thing.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Advanced Self Defense.

I’ve done quite a few cartoons about the famous “Ascent of Man” illustrations. This one is specifically about the tech age and how so many people have utterly abandoned their bodies and “real” lives for online substitutes. It would take who-knows-how-many years to get to this point in evolution, of course, and we’ll likely kill ourselves off as a species long before then.

More fun than that doomsday scenario is this bit of hate mail that I got last week about my Old West chiropractor cartoon from a couple Sundays back: Bizarro 11-30-14 WEB

“To whom it may concern: In regards to the comic posted in the Detroit Free Press recently, ‘In between crime waves, we let the chiropractor use it’. This comic showed a picture of a person hanging in reference to chiropractors. I as a chiropractic assistant found this extremely inappropriate along with several patients and the Chiropractor himself. To all of us who believe in chiropractic we found this very offensive and would ask you to refrain from such absurdities in all other comics in the future.”

I never cease to be amazed by the way America has become a nation of thin-skinned, humorless victims who seemingly look for an opportunity to be offended by a casual comment or joke. I can’t for the life of me imagine being insulted by this kind of gag, no matter how religiously dedicated to chiropractic I might be. I blame the culture of “political correctness” for this kind of wasted indignation. As a nation, we are so used to seeing public figures deliver “humble” apologies for hurting some sector of the public’s feelings that we think we are owed an apology every time we see something that falls short of venerating something we are or hold dear. In my opinion, this isn’t just a waste of time and effort but is childish and ridiculous. So, rather than apologize for publishing a cartoon that fails to hold chiropractic up to the high standards that this particular reader deems “appropriate,” I offer the following cartoon about chiropractors from 2008. In this one, I managed to offend both chiropractors and mobsters. Can’t wait for the hate mail to come in and the bullets to start flying.bizarro 10-26-08 MobChiroWEB1

Page 1 of 13512345...102030...Last »