There are few things more embarrassing for homo sapiens than to be caught in a lie, especially when it is accompanied by flaming trousers. For this reason, I wear flame-resistant underwear to protect my twig and berries. Sure, it makes my silhouette a little less flattering, but once I let go of a ripsnorter and my breeches burst into flames, I can relax in the confidence that my charred buttocks will not be on display for all to see.

As many of you know but most don’t care, Bizarro is part of a whole network of comics and cartoon sites made available by King Features Syndicate. I’m lucky to be here because as people move away from newspapers and toward the Internet, it has been increasingly difficult to make a living as a cartoonist. King helps me find ways online to do that, so I can stay in the business.

At the moment, King Features has an online survey that I’d like you to take. It will help them better understand how people view comics on the Interwebs and what’s important to them. Can you help me out by answering a few quick questions? It’s totally anonymous, you won’t need to sign in or give away your identity. (This means YOU, Mr. Kent!)

So be a Jazz Pickle, not a Poop Tuna and do this for me. Here’s the top secret location: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/SRQRHRT

If you have any problems with the answers, here are mine:

1.Herman Melville  2.Brown rice  3.Itchy rashes  4.Left  5.Yes  6.The Irish  7.Aquaman  8.Aquaman’s colon  9.Ryan Seacrest  10.Acid thrown in the face  11.Chocolate  12.Hetero 13.Missionary  14.Garfield  15.Barbecued  16.None of the above  17.All of the below  18.Hell, no doubt  19.Your momma  20.No, but thanks.  21.Grape

Bizarro is brought to you today by Facebook Follies.

It is remarkable how much Facebook has become a part of our society. I, as well as virtually everyone I know, keep track of my friends and family via their FB pages. It’s so much faster and more convenient that calling or that quaint 20th-century activity of writing letters and paying someone to spend several days to cross the country to deliver it. Even my parents, now in their late 70s, track their grandchildren’s activities by watching their FB pages.

The downside, of course, is that it is such an octopus of notifications and information that people who really understand how to use it can watch your every move. I wonder how many people have had their home robbed because of their habit of “checking in” at places they visit and thus letting everyone on the Internet know their domicile is vacant. Or, more likely, how many people have been caught cheating (or planning to) on their significant others by not knowing which comments they leave on FB are public and which are private. I’ve heard that people have been arrested for crimes they talked about on their FB pages or Twitter accounts. (There has never been and will never be any shortage of stupid criminals.)

Some years ago, a man I know was certain his girlfriend was cheating and accused her of it regularly. She got tired of defending herself and orchestrated a phony affair with a phony person she concocted on a FB page, leaving evidence that she knew her boyfriend would ferret out. When he confronted her with the evidence, she busted him for stalking her and broke up.

Here’s an older comic of mine that (figuratively) deals with the simple problem of no longer being able to pretend you’re too busy to get together with someone when they can plainly see from your FB page that you’ve been spending plenty of time socializing with others.

And then there’s the problem of the government tracking your activities through social media. That’s another entire cargo ship full of cans of worms, entirely.

What do you think? Is Facebook and the like a curse, a blessing, or a combo pack?

Happy Father’s Day, Jazz Pickles. For years I’ve been putting a “Happy Father’s Day, Dad” message along the border of my Father’s Day cartoons but I forgot this year. But it wasn’t because I forgot my pop, it was because in past years I was using a paper calendar to see what date the cartoon I was submitting would appear in papers (my Sunday cartoons are drawn and submitted four to six weeks ahead of the print date) but this year I am using a calendar on my computer which doesn’t have holidays on it. I missed the margin note in my Mother’s Day cartoon for the same reason. Sorry Dad! (And Mom, a few weeks back.)

I am lucky enough to have a terrific dad. He was coach of my and my sister’s sports teams in elementary school, took an active interest in our homework and school scores, took us on elaborate car vacations. Even now, he’s one of my best friends. I say “lucky” because we don’t choose our parents, they choose us (in a way) and many people don’t have much luck in that area. Thanks, Dad.

Even though I didn’t know this cartoon was going to appear on Father’s Day when I drew it, it is a likely choice since it deals with fishing––something a lot of men like to do. I suspect it is as much about getting some peace and quiet away from the spouse and kids as it is about the fun of killing small, less-intelligent animals.

This cartoon is a collaboration with my good buddy and cartoonist colleague, Dan McConnell, himself the father of countless children all over the world. Most of whom he has never met.

I’m off to brunch with Klamelda now, since that’s what men of my age do on Father’s Day. Happy happy joy joy, Jazz Pickles!

I would not be surprised if a wedding cake topper like this is actually being marketed somewhere. In researching wedding cake images for this cartoon, I found tons of non-traditional ones. Some are disgustingly cute, others are alarmingly odd. Some are pornographic, while this one is rather admirably surreal. What this one is about, I’m afraid to ask.

Even more entertaining are the divorce cake toppers. Yes, there are plenty to choose from. Most seem to have the same disturbing theme, however. Having been through two divorces, I can understand the sentiment but this one takes it a bit too far, I think. The police may want to dig up this divorcee’s back yard.

Whatever your taste in toppers, you can’t beat a cake that is so stupendous on its own that it needs no topper. You may now eat the bride.

In my 185-year career, I have sometimes been criticized for doing funeral gags. Comments like these are usually from readers who had recently lost someone close. I sympathize with them but always remind them that being able to laugh at tragedy is a singularly human trait and one that we use very effectively to temporarily relieve pain and fear. It’s not just a relief to laugh in dark times, it is essential to our sanity.

I didn’t have any of this in mind when I drew this gag, I just thought it was funny. I wonder if anyone has ever done this at a clown’s funeral? If I were a clown, I’d insist on it in my will. Even though I’m not a clown (and am terrified of them), I may put this in there anyway. Life is worth little if you don’t laugh often.

Since Father’s Day is this weekend and you’ve forgotten or put off getting pop a present, here’s a terrific idea that has THREE definite benefits over most other gifts:

1. It’s cheap and he won’t know it.

2. You can get it to him by Father’s Day without ever leaving your chair.

3. You will make me happy.

The gift is a year’s subscription to Daily Ink, which is an online service that sends you any number of the cartoons carried by King Features in your email each and every day. You can choose which of their mofozillians of cartoons you want sent, edit your list anytime you like, and you’ll have access to the archives of all of their features. It’s around $20 a year and that’s dirt cheap. Just try to get quality dirt delivered to your house every day for a year for less than 20 bucks. Good luck!

It happens here, JPs. Click it now and thank me later!

Because I’m a bachelor with a small amount of disposable income, I hire a housekeeper to come in every couple weeks and scrape the slime off of various surfaces in my house. She’s invaluable to me; without her I might as well be living in a fraternity house with all of the chaos and horror that that implies.

Unfortunately, however, I cannot get her to wear an Iron Man costume while she works. I figured I’d have trouble convincing her to wear the skimpy French maid outfit, but Iron Man? Come on. Who doesn’t love Iron Man?

If you enjoyed this cartoon, you may enjoy an entire book of my super hero satires. It’s called “Bizarro Heroes” and you can get it lots of places, including here.

I got some questions about this cartoon, which I knew I would. Not least of which were Klamelda and my mother, both of whom were a little puzzled.

From time to time I’ve enjoyed doing strange cartoons that don’t have an obvious meaning. This one somehow relates to the phrase “kicking the bucket,” which means “to die.” Since this guy’s bucket is one of a man half his age, he likely won’t be dieing soon, I guess. I think. I don’t know. You figure it out and let me know.

Many readers already know that I’m an ethical vegan, meaning that I’m vegan because I don’t believe in cruelty to animals. Vegans are routinely against hunting (in cultures where it is not necessary for survival) for obvious reasons. I am, too, but I must say that hunting is the least cruel way to put meat on your table. (Unless you’re doing it with a bow and arrow.) The suffering an animal experiences being shot in the wild is many times less than what happens to “food” animals in commercial production facilities and slaughterhouses. This is true even of “free range” and “cage free” chickens. This is an example of how FDA-approved “free range” chickens live in most cases. At least animals killed in the wild lived a natural life and died relatively suddenly. Still, I don’t hunt because I don’t feel comfortable killing things for fun.

This cartoon was a collaboration with my good friend and known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I had the distinct pleasure of hanging out with Wayno for a few days in Pittsburgh a couple weeks ago during our annual cartoonists convention, which was a real treat. Here’s what Wayno has to say about this cartoon.