Metamorphosis Balloon

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Unbearable Sadness.

Okay, so here are two more cartoons. One is about a family in their living room. The other is about a family in the desert. What is this, Family Circus?

I went to a party the other night with an LA buddy of mine. It was the Writers Guild holiday party. Smart, clever, literate people with barely two dimes to rub together. It was fun. He’s a TV writer, so that’s why he gets to go.

What else to report? Nothing, really. I’m still squatting at a friend’s house in Van Nuys (different friend than the previously mentioned writer) and it’s great but I’m really ready to have my own place again.

This weekend I’m flying to D.C. to do a couple of comedy shows at a couple of charity holiday parties. That should be fun. Shouldn’t it? Now I’m not sure. Yes, of course it will.

More about my boring life soon. I hope it gets less boring.

Yes, you have been looking for the perfect holiday gift for not-so-much money. And yes, you have found it here: HERE.

Yippee Aye Yay Drink Lazy

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(To see this cartoon way up big like a grizzly bear, click the yellow balloon.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Unfortunate Crowd Shot.

Just yesterday I lucked into a pretty great place to live in LA, so I’m feeling much better. I can’t move in until the 13th, however, so my life is still locked up in a moving van until then. Can’t wait for my art supplies, cartoon files, and favorite pajamas to arrive.

What I could really use right now, however, is my motorcycle, which is still in the hospital in Brooklyn after my recent accident. (At least, I assume the idiot who ran a stop sign and darted out in front of me did it by accident.) Unfortunately, my bike probably won’t be cured and cleared for travel until January. Until then, I am blessed with the honor of driving a rented Chevy Ambivalence, or some such thing. It was the cheapest car I could find, hence the manual crank window handles, built-in 8 track player, and a pull-starter like a lawn mower.

Now lets talk cartoons. The first one is about cowboys and two meanings of the word “giddy.” The second one is about a guy named Beethoven who wrote music and got drunk a lot or something. I can’t honestly remember right now. The third one is about how lousy politicians usually are. Whatever.

Thanks for stopping by, all you readers; Bizarro Jazz Pickles and others. Please now click the link below and buy hundreds of copies of my super hero book. You’ll like it, your friends and family will like it, my parents will appreciate your supporting me so they don’t have to.

The Link Below

 

 

Lemming Fleas Krazy Kamp

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Life’s Little Journeys.

As I have mentioned in a previous post or two, I am currently living like a gypsy in Los Angeles. I moved here last weekend from my previous (and much cooler-sounding) headquarters in Brooklyn, NY, and am looking for a place to live. In the meantime, I am living in an old carnival wagon at the edge of town, dressed in a flowing scarf dress and shawl. I’m giving the occasional Tarot card reading to make extra cash.

Because I am out of pocket and most of my stuff is on a moving van somewhere between the East and West Coasts, it has been hard to keep up with my blogging efforts. I hope I have not lost too many readers with my sporadic postificationizing.

Many readers have asked why I have moved, and so in order to stem the tide of personal responses I’ve had to send out, I will say now officially that my reasons are three-fold: the weather is better (the way warm chocolate is better than cold, damp sand), I hope to get a foothold in the TV animation world, and my beloved CHNW and I have split up. This final reason was and remains very sad but I won’t be discussing it publicly. Suffice to say that life handed us lemmings and we’re doing our best to make lemmingade. We have committed to remain friends, so that’s one good thing, at least.

Back to cartooning: If you don’t understand this Cole Porter gag, you’re not alone. I heard from a guy living under a rock in northern Canada who didn’t get it, either. Here’s a clue: look up the lyrics to Porter’s classic, “Let’s Do It.”

(Note: If you don’t like Cole Porter’s songs, seek medical attention. You may have a large piece of your brain missing.)

 

 

 

 

Here’s a fun gag about Krazy Glue, which is a real product if you didn’t know. (In this age of the Interwebs, you cannot be certain that all of your readers are from a place that has the same stores as you do.) This gag idea came from my “known associate,” Wayno. He talks about these things here. Wayno’s Wiggly Wigwam Wonderland.

 

Wayno also collaborated with me on this gag. He’s been helping me a lot in recent months as I prepared for my move. Thanks, W!

He waxes poetic about it here: Click.

 

It occurs to me that you might need the perfect gift for all occasions and a low low price. This is surely it!

Clown Cat Homework Murder

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Cross-Country Move.

I’ve not been blogging the past few days because I was moving to LA. I’m here now, without my stuff, it’s all on a van somewhere between the East and West Coast. Unless the guys who picked it up were frauds and are flying to Rio with my clothes and furniture. If that is the case, I hope they’ll be happy together.

Now that I’m in LA, I’ve foolishly not brought the proper computer files to continue my blogging without a big hassle, so I have to steal my own images off of Daily Ink, the subscription service that King Features offers. Thank goodness I have an account. You should get one, too.

The cartoons above and below are collaborations with my “known associate,” Wayno. His stories about them are here.

And here are some cartoons that I did not post last week while I was feverishly packing and cursing my sore back and torn fingers. Yes, I tore my fingers during the move. Not off, fortunately.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope you enjoyed these comics. If you enjoyed them half as much I enjoyed making them for you, then you enjoyed them two thirds more than twice the amount that no one enjoyed the Irish Potato Famine. And that’s an historical fact!

Go here. Buy my new book. Give it as gifts. Receive honor for your entire family.

Death Food Turkey

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Jewish Christmas.

I’m in a big rush today so I can’t write much. Thanks to all the Bizarro Jazz Pickles who showed up to my talk at MoCCA last night on a cold, wet, damp, chilly, soggy, rainy, freezing, windy, blustery, crappy night. You’re sweet. (Though some of you were dill.)

Now to the cartoons:

1. A doctor cartoon. I didn’t really mean for the Grim Reaper to look like he’s smiling, but that’s what skulls do. Hence the term, “Jolly” Roger. And why wouldn’t they be smiling? Their problems are over.

 

2. A politics cartoon. The seed of this idea came from my strange and mysterious friend, Richard Cabeza. Thanks for your seed, dick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Another doctor cartoon, this time with a Thanksgiving theme. I’m not a fan of holidays that are about “thanks” and “blessings” that incorporate mass slaughter of innocents. I know most of you think that I’m crazy for wanting to give birds the same right to live an unmolested life as we human mammals (apart from the necessary and natural balances of nature, which our mass farming and slaughter falls as far from as humanly possible) but that’s just who I am. I’ll be eating plant-based foods tomorrow and being thankful for that.

That’s all for today. I’m in a big rush. The walls are caving in and I need to hide under my desk.

Also, happy birthday to one of my fathers-in-law, Ralph. He’s a great guy. I think I’ll send him one of these books that is the perfect gift for any occasion.

Hairy Donkey

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(To see this cartoon bigger, click the ear with the hair coming out of it.)             (To see it upside-down and backwards, click here.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sad News.

As a man who has lost a bit of protein real estate on my north forty, I feel I can honestly critique the “comb-over”. Gentlemen; it looks terrible. Just go with what nature gave you and “own it,” as they say. Confidence in who you are is so much more attractive than any amount of hair flowing over, hovering above, or swirling across places where it no longer grows. We live in a time when being completely bald is not only acceptable, it is fashionable. Embrace it.

That said, I don’t really care what anyone else does with their hair. I just thought it would be funny to draw people with hair coming out of bad places. So did my buddy, Cliff Harris, who constructed this gag with me. Cliff is over forty but still has all his hair. The bastard.

And, for extra gits and shiggles, here is yesterday’s gag: History of the Pinata. (Sorry, I don’t know how to make the little squiggle mark [tilde] appear over the “n”. Maybe I need a Spanish keyboard?) I grew up in the southern U.S. where pinatas are a standard birthday party accessory and I’ve always loved them. What kid doesn’t enjoy putting on a blindfold and swinging a bat in hopes of knocking the stuffing out of something and being rewarded with candy? On my 11th birthday it was Doug Enevoldsen who got the stuffing knocked out of him but it wasn’t candy that came flying out, it was teeth. Still, a good time was had by all. Except Doug.

This is the perfect gift for somebody on your gift list. If you don’t have a gift list, it’s the perfect book for you. And it’s cheaper than a life-size Michele Bachmann pinata.

Mariana Uterus

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Bizarro is brought to you today by DEVO.

A big “howdy do, my tangy little Bizarro Jazz Pickle” goes out today to Nathan G.D.  You may notice his name at the bottom left corner of this cartoon. Nathan wrote to me some weeks back with a suggestion for a cartoon about a “Mariana swimming pool” with a depth of more than 35,000 feet at the deep end. He was referring to the Mariana Trench, the deepest point in the Pacific Ocean and lowest place on Earth, of course. I replied that I thought it was an interesting idea and wanted to use it. The next day I got an email from Nathan’s father, explaining that Nathan is only 7 years old. I was blown away. His cartoon idea didn’t read like a 7-year-old, nor did he write like one in his email. I was very impressed and happily used the cartoon with dad’s permission. Congrats, Nathan; you are officially the youngest contributor to Bizarro. And congrats on your recent 8th birthday!

This cartoon was written by a full-growed adult. Not all of us can be as clever as Nathan at such a young age. I’m a big fan of the fetal position and have spent many an hour at my therapist’s office adopting one. By that, I mean that I climb into a sack of fluid and roll up into a ball. When the session is over, my shrink pulls me out by my head and smacks me on the butt to get me breathing again. It’s an amazing experience. You might even call it a miracle.

Speaking of the “miracle of birth” ––if birth is a miracle, then rats perform miracles about 60 times more frequently than humans. Just a little tidbit for you BJPs with a taste for trivia.

Buy a very funny cartoon book for all the rats on your holiday list at a very good price here.

Axe Shui

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Fun New Board Game.

I’m going to step into the realm of immodesty and say I’m pretty proud of this cartoon. I like psychiatry cartoons and do a lot of them, but the thing I think is special about this one is the characters. I think I really nailed the look, posture, and facial expressions of each of these guys. The shrink looks as though he is holding back a combination of fear and incredulity as he struggles to remain professional. The patient looks average and harmless, except for the tenseness of his arms and hands as he clutches the axe. The stoic, far-off gaze adds to the sense of instability. I sometimes criticize myself for drawing too realistically, but in this case, the style works well.

Now let us discuss feng shui. You’ve likely heard of this but if you haven’t, it’s some kind of Asian concept that promotes the idea that the exact placement of objects in a given space somehow effect the area with positive “qi,” which I think means energy or something. It supposedly uses the laws of Heaven and Earth to do this.

If you read this blog regularly, you know that I think this kind of thing is just another example of the kind of superstitious fairy tales that humans are so inclined to subscribe to. However you feel about feng shui, the poor schmuck in this cartoon has a problem that I hope makes you smile.

Please buy my new book for someone for the holidays. It is funny; they will thank you. It is cheap; you will thank yourself.

Sunday Punnies #19

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(To see this image enlargerized, click the orange kitty cat.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The First iPod.

Here again is one of my Bizarro Sunday Punnies series. This is where I use puns sent in by readers to create cartoons. If you’d like to submit a pun, do so in the comments section of this post. I won’t publish any of the comments with pun suggestions so as not to ruin it for readers if I should choose yours, or not to embarrass you if the pun is really stupid. So have no fear, your pun is safe with me.

By submitting a pun, you agree that you will get no compensation whatsoever other than the thrill of seeing your name at the bottom of the panel, and that you will not object to the picture I link to your name in the subsequent post. Today, congratulations are due to John Styles, Earlene B., and No Watchel. When you post your suggestion(s), let me know what name you’d like me to use.

RULES:

1. Your pun suggestions must be your original idea, as far as you know. Don’t suggest things you’ve heard or read somewhere, please. My life can’t take any more scandals right now.

2. Do NOT include flammable liquids with your suggestion. Someone could get hurt.

A couple of readers who saw this cartoon on Saturday (some papers sell the Sunday edition on Saturday night) were confused by the last panel, “Busta Rhymes with Orange.” The deal is that “Busta Rhymes” is the name of a rapper or hip-hop artist of some kind, and “Rhymes with Orange” is the name of a charming and funny cartoon feature by Hilary Price that runs in lots of papers in North America and probably other places, too. Like “Bizarro,” she does not have regular characters, but just features a gag each day. She sometimes has a parrot, though, so that’s why I chose it. Busta Rhymes’ “music” often includes Parental Advisory labels, presumably because he has a potty mouth.

Rhymes with Orange website here.

Scary picture of Busta Rhymes here.

The perfect cartoon book for holiday gifts here.

Previous Sunday Punnies here.

Outer Space Celebs

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Imposters.

If you’re a Bizarro Jazz Pickle and regular reader of this blog, then you know how much I likes me some baggy pants, backwards hats and bowel-shaking, bass-heavy hip-hop. I like it so much that I’ve attributed these totally awesome traits to some space explorers. Now they’re doubly awesome.

This cartoon represents some revisionist history: the version of this cartoon that I submitted and ran in newspapers depicted the helmets facing forward. I’m not sure why I didn’t turn them around in the first place. Sometimes I’m just stupid.

If you’re a reader who has never been to the U.S. and doesn’t follow Hollywood bullshit, you may not know that there is a thing called the “Hollywood Walk of Fame”. It consists of stars embedded in the sidewalks all around Hollywood, each with the name of a “star” of entertainment. Of course, one person’s star is another person’s stellar dust. In this cartoon, the child on the left has never heard of Clark Gable (a talented, accomplished actor who died much too young in 1960), and the old man on the right has never heard of Snooki (a talentless piece of Jersey beach trash who cannot be killed because of her affiliation with the Powers of Darkness.)  “Snooki” does not actually yet have a star on the Walk of Fame, but now that so many Americans confuse idiots-being-themselves-on-camera with talent, she likely will one day.

If that thought depresses you, my new book, Bizarro Heroes will cheer you up!