Big Feet, Big…

bz panel 05-18-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Big Camel Toe.

I’m a big fan of Bigfoot cartoons. I am not a believer, as you may have guessed, but I have a friend who is an ardent member of the congregation. Whatever fills your taco shell, right?

The idea for this cartoon came from my good buddy, part-time amateur counselor, and The King of Wordplay, Cliff Harris. Few people love to parse the English language more than this dude. Cliff missed his calling (and didn’t have voicemail) so he became a pediatrician, thinking that was a foot doctor. (This confusion led to his interest in language.) After a few decades of treating sick children (with special attention to their feet) he retired and is now writing clever books for kids (which incorporate some very clever language stuff) though he is yet to be published in that arena. I’ve read them and they’re boffo! I predict big things for you, Cliff! Best of  luck and get back to your keyboard!

Beasts of Beauty

bz panel 05-17-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Do-it-Yourself Dentures.

I used to live with a couple of different women, at different times, and both of them spent a fortune on youth and beauty creams. They were both naturally youthful and beautiful and weren’t the type to wear tons of makeup or fuss over their hair, but their fear of getting old led them to fall prey to the beauty cream racket. It is, by the way, astounding how much that stuff costs. (I don’t like looking older, either, by the way, but I don’t do anything to prevent it other than dye my hair, tape my eyelids up, wear a toupee and a girdle, and shove white Chiclets into the spaces where I’ve lost teeth.)

So with that background, this cartoon occurred to me. I did a different type of cartoon using the same basic premise about our obsession with looking younger. You can see it by clicking these blue words. (For color blind readers, click the red words.)

What a Fakir

bz panel 05-16-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Unexplained Force Field.

I got a number of questions from readers about this cartoon so this seems a perfect time to clear them up.

Question: What the hell does this mean?

Answer: Some guys in the Middle East and South Asia are famous for lying on beds of nails. I’m not sure why, maybe it takes their minds off how miserable their lives are otherwise. Meanwhile, in other parts of the world, there is a product called a “memory foam mattress,” which is made of this new kind of foam stuff that indents with your body, giving you a perfect night’s sleep. I have one of these things and I really love it. (A memory foam mattress, not a bed of nails.) So this cartoon is a combination of those two very different things with the intention of amusing people.

Question: Why are those guys each wearing a diaper on their butt and head?

Answer: They are not diapers and it is racist (or something equally bad) for you to even say that. I won’t dignify this question with an answer.

Question: Did the guy who carved Mount Rushmore out of granite eat too much of the mountain?

Answer: No, but this guy did.

Fighting Founders

bz panel 05-15-13Bizarro is brought to you today by American Icons.

Lincoln had a big year, not the least of which was the Academy Award winning film directed by what’s-his-name, starring that really good actor. A Lincoln film you might have missed, however, is one I happened to see the other night on that big, black, flat, rectanglular deal on the wall of my living room. It is called something like “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.” It had good and bad things in it.

Good: I learned a new “rule” to the whole vampire thing and that is that vampires can’t kill each other. Who knew? Bad: Lincoln didn’t even have a beard through most of the movie so you could hardly recognize him. PLUS…the actress who played Mary Todd was attractive, which is, according to the pictures I’ve seen, historically inaccurate. When I’m watching a historical film of this nature, I immediately think, If that was inaccurate, what else about this film is inaccurate? Can I trust any of it?  If I were school age, I would definitely seek some other source before I wrote an essay on Lincoln.

Next year will be better for Washington as a film about his life is scheduled to be released in the summer of 2014. I’m hoping it pays more attention to historical accuracy.

Guided Tour

bz panel 05-14-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Live Shoulder Muppet.

Let’s take a moment to talk about the blue links in my posts. They are not advertisements or long and winding rabbit holes, instead, each one is typically a single picture that is somehow humorously connected to the word(s) it is linked to and designed specifically to make you smile. So don’t be afraid to click them, then come right back. It will only take a few seconds to view the pic, then you’re back on your way reading the funny, humorous, amusing words herein.

Thanks for reading and may your summer pass enjoyably without a single guided missile encounter.