Eternal Mistakes

bz panel 09-27-13bz strip 09-27-13bz panel 09-28-13bz strip 09-28-13Bizarro is brang to youse guys today byGrandma’s Cookies.

The idea for this cartoon came directly from the many conversations we’ve had together in the comments section, Jazz Pickles, about the comedic value of unfortunate tattoos, be they misspelled or just baboon-ass ugly. It is a short hop from that conversation to wondering if any tattoo shops offer spell check and general aesthetic advice. Of course, not all tattooists have good taste or spelling skills above that of a dim 3rd grader, so I’m afraid you’d still be firmly in “buyer beware” territory.











My second offering today is about a topic I know very little about, I confess. A friend told me that Taylor Swift is fairly famous for dating guys, breaking up with them, then crying about it in songs. It annoys him greatly, so I did this cartoon for him.  Boy, I sure hope he’s right. Otherwise, this makes no sense at all.

Oh well. Life is full of polysemousness. (As well as words I’ve never heard of until I looked up “ambiguity” in a thesaurus.)

On a side note, I’m not one to have vanity plates on my car so the license number in this cartoon is, as far as I know, still available in most markets. Please send me a picture of it when it arrives.






BIZARROLD: My elderly offering today is a joke that takes perhaps a few seconds for the reader to get, and whether or not the seconds were well spent is a matter of individual opinion. But in spite of the relative strength or weakness of the gag, I really love the artwork. I was in good form the day I drew this, I think, because five years later I still really love the character, his accessories, tattoos, even the surrounding props. Hard as it is to imagine, one day not far in the future, old folks homes will be full of various, saggy examples of decorative mutilations. So be it.bizarro 07-20-08 REY


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Suck or Eat?

bz panel 09-26-13bz strip 09-26-13bz 10-29-12 VAMPIRE Xbz 10-29-12 VAMPIREBizarro was brought to you today by Hair Care.

Here’s a story that demonstrates the kind of ambiguous rules that the newspaper comics business operate under.

Back in October of 2012, one year ago, the vampire cartoon below was rejected as being too suggestive to run in newspapers, purely because it contains the word, “suck,” which newspaper comics editors dislike because it can be interpreted to allude to fellatio. (As though a vampire would be referring to homosexual prostitution as opposed to good-old-fashioned murder of a mortal.) So, I changed the comic to the second version, “Why lie? Need blood.” It’s okay but not as funny as the original, in my opinion. But that brings us to today’s cartoon, a mere year later, which raised no eyebrows at all. Huh?

The woman is obviously a prostitute, which one would think would be off limits in newspaper comics all by itself, and her sign refers to food, which leads one to wonder why anyone would care that she was “gluten free” unless they intended to “eat” her?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that no one denied this cartoon because I think it’s really weird and funny. But the rules of the newspaper cartoon world are often inscrutable and always confusing. This week, for instance, I was told that I could not use the word “crap” in a future comic. Really?

Here’s the bigger point: Americans (and maybe all humans, I’m not sure) are more obsessed with words than with their meanings. I will never understand this as long as I live. Under FCC rules, in broadcast TV you can talk about any kind of depraved sex act you wish, as long as you do not use the word “fuck.” And the word itself is so mysteriously magical that it cannot be used in any way whether the topic is sex or not. “What the fuck?” is a crime that carries a stiff fine –– “I’m going to rape your 8-year-old daughter with a trained monkey,” is completely legal. In my opinion, today’s “gluten-free” cartoon is far more suggestive in an unsavory way than the vampire cartoon, but it doesn’t have a “naughty” word so it’s okay.

Are we a nation permanently locked in preschool? The answer, in the case of language, is yes.








BIZOMBIES: I usually put a much older cartoon in this section but today I’m putting yesterday’s cartoon because as the result of a comment left about it yesterday, I remembered a funny story. bz panel 09-25-13

One of our Jazz Pickles said she imagined the radiologist’s “selfie” might be an X-ray of his butt, the way office interns sometimes like to do with a photocopier. I was immediately reminded of a few years ago when my wife was injured in a traffic accident and had to have her pelvis X-rayed.  As we waited for the results I was strolling around the emergency room for a couple minutes and happened upon a desk where three or four doctors/interns were staring at a large computer screen. As I moved closer, I saw that it was her pelvic X-ray and that you could clearly see a ghosted image of her sexy bits. I know medical exams are routinely invasive of one’s privacy but for a few seconds, I felt a little weird about three strange men staring at my wife’s schmadoodleflobbin in full view of anyone who walked by. I laughed at the silliness of it, of course, but it was one of those odd moments when societal norms are suspended but the brain still has an automatic response to it.

Now that I write that, it doesn’t seem all that amusing. But I found it so at the time.


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Grim Twitter Smart Selfie Skeletons

bz panel 09-21-13bz strip 09-21-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Friendly Godzilla.

Okay, I’m still behind so the time has come to post multiple cartoons in a single post. Get ready for a wild ride.

I’ve done tons of Grim Reaper gags (as has every other cartoonist, except Jeff Keane in Family Circus) but this one really gives me a kick. I just love the deadpan nature of it. I’m guessing my pal, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay got a kick out of it, too. It’s down his alley.






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Here’s a little cash register/Twitter humor. I really hate drawing store interiors because it’s so tedious filling in all of those products. On the bright side, it gives me a chance to hide some secret symbols and other types of “Easter egg” gags so it’s not all bad. bz strip 09-23-13









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And now we have a gag from my good buddy, Dan McConnell. He usually discusses these collaborations on his FB page but he hasn’t posted it as of this writing. I guess he’s waiting for me to post this. Anyway, check out his page and his other cartoons which can be found lurking thereon.








bz panel 09-25-13bz strip 09-25-13





What’s this? A cartoon collaboration with the gentleman mentioned in the first part of this post, Cliff Harris, the King of Wordplay. This is one of those rare ideas by Cliff that is not about wordplay, however. It’s more bone-play, but don’t take that in the wrong way. Cliff isn’t gay, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I’m particularly happy with the way the X-ray turned out in this one. Those things are kind of hard to draw very realistically and, unlike most cartoonists (not that there is anything wrong with that), I am sometimes obsessed with realism.









PREBIZTORICALS: Since I’ve been talking a bit lately about the art of cartooning, I thought this old favorite of mine from 2002 might be appropriate. This was SO much fun to draw as I had to imagine what the skeletons of various cartoon characters look like. I’ve seen this done since but I think I might have been the first. I hope so. I’d never seen it before when I did it, so my conscience is clear, at least. The one thing I’m not happy with here is the lighting; I think it is too harsh. If I ever print this one in a book, I might redo it.

Particularly loyal and observant Jazz Pickles will recognize me and my ex-wife, formerly known on this blog as CHNW. She’s not back for good, this is a temporary and incidental appearance, by the way.Bizarro 05-05-02 CartoonAnthropology




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