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Alien Amusements

Bizarro 02-08-15 HdrWEB Bizarro 02-08-15 WEB(To see any of these cartoons enlargered, give them a good click in the teeth.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Spot the Imposter(s).

I was abducted by extraterrestrials not long ago and while I was being whisked away to another space/time dimension, they happened to be fooling around with my cell phone and came across a cat video which they thought was hilarious and adorable. I immediately thought this might make a good cartoon if I should ever find my way back to Earth and need to write cartoons again. Long story short, in an amazing display of ingenuity, courage, and derring-do, I managed to escape captivity and find my way back to my desk in time to draw this and submit it before deadline. Man, being a cartoonist is exciting sometimes. bz panel 02-02-15bz strip 02-02-15bz panel 02-03-15bz strip 02-03-15bz panel 02-04-15bz strip 02-04-15bz panel 02-05-15bz panel 02-06-15bz strip 02-06-15

Earlier in the week, I published the following six cartoons. A couple of them inspired readers to write to me with questions and comments that I thought you might find interesting.

The one about the guy in a warehouse operating what is commonly known as a “forklift” carrying what is commonly known as a “spoon” garnered this comment:

Being a long retired “fork lift” mechanic, your “latest”, caused me to study it for the humor. So the “fork lift” is lifting the “spoon”??? They are also referred to as “Towmotors”, “lift trucks, and Lifts. So anyway I am once again reminded of the fact that “someone” will pay people for “anything”.

I’m honestly not sure if this is hate mail or not, so here’s how I responded:  I have no idea what you’re talking about here, Chuck, but at least I learned some new names for forklifts.

The cartoon published on Feb 2 with the elderly gentleman talking to his grandson attracted this comment: While I usually like your comic, today’s cartoon was in very poor taste in light of the Anthem (insurance company) hack which will affect millions of customers, and by the way, you are rewarding the little buggers for a cowardly act, in jest I know, but people now days take EVERYTHING as a cue to do a cowardly thing…

I get this kind of complaint from time to time because many people assume that joking about a crime somehow rewards/encourages criminals. I suppose anything’s possible but I think most people commit crimes for the money, not the vicarious thrill they may get from a cartoon that refers to the same kind of crime. I should bz panel 02-07-15also mention that the writer of that comment and I had a nice e-conversation about it, made up, and are on good terms. As I mentioned above, the life of a cartoonist can be very exciting.

My lastbz strip 02-07-15 cartoon of the week before the big Sunday extravaganza was this peculiar wordplay brought to me by my good friend Cliff The King Of Wordplay. Some people call any kind of pun a “groaner” but I think puns that catch you by surprise are chuckle-worthy, so I soldier on undaunted. This one is especially funny to me because I’ve been reading a lot about hunter/gatherer societies both past and present. The more I read, the more I lament that we ever became “civilized.” Too late now, of course.

Have a zesty week, Jazz Pickles!

Sideways

Bizarro 01-25-15 hdrWEB Bizarro 01-25-15 WEBbz panel 01-19-15bz strip 01-19-15bz panel 01-20-15bz strip 01-20-15bz panel 01-21-15bz strip 01-21-15bz panel 01-22-15bz strip 01-22-15bz panel 01-23-15bz strip 01-23-15bz panel 01-24-15bz strip 01-24-15(To witness the enlargification of any image in any of my blog posts, click them with conviction.)

Bizarro is brought to you this week by No Laughing Here.

I’ve been spending more time lately on my fine art so this museum gag especially appealed to me. The wordplay was devised by my good friend and occasional collaborator, Cliff The King Of Worldplay. If you don’t get it, you’re likely unaware that the terms “portrait” and “landscape” refer to the orientation of the rectangle: taller than wide is portrait, wider than tall is landscape. I could also have made this a picture of a painter and called it “Landscape of a Portrait Artist.” But I didn’t.

By the way, I am accepting commissions in the fine art field at the moment, so if you have some discretionary funds and would like an original painting or drawing from the likes me of, let me know. Soon I will be adding a link to this site with some of my fine art, so you can see the fairly large difference between it and my cartoon style.

On to last week’s cartoons…

Monday: As anyone who knows anything about the rest of the animal kingdom knows, our fellow primates find our rushing around to “accomplish” things hilarious. As do many of us, even though we can’t stop.

Tuesday: This is almost a private joke for myself in that I have lived in California for three years and am still struck by the ubiquitousness of yoga studios here. But that’s a good thing; yoga is good for people both mentally and physically, and can even benefit one spiritually if it is taken in that direction. As for me, I met my beloved Olive Oyl in a yoga class and got my horse-monkey-dog, Jemima from a lady in my yoga class who’d rescued her from the streets of her ‘hood.

Wednesday: Here’s another gag some folks might have to do some research to understand. Google “Claes Oldenburg” and you’ll see that he is an artist famous for constructing enormous versions of everyday objects.

Thursday: I have no explanation for how or why this Abraham Lincoln gag occurred to me. But once it did it made me chuckle so I drew it for you. No, it has no hidden meaning. He’s just comforting a little girl who presumably has a beard.

Friday: I thought of the idea of a passive-aggressive terrorist and wondered what that might look like. So this is what I came up with. Maybe you’re not required to separate your recycling in your area, but surely you are familiar with the concept.

Saturday: Well, the week just kept getting weirder for me. Don’t ask me why a guy who looks like an old-world shepherd but is really a “shepheard” is at a fancy cocktail party because I haven’t a clue. Sometimes strange things amuse me.

 

 

Prison Begs Execution Horse’s Ass

Bizarro 01-04-15 hdrWEb Bizarro 01-04-15 WEBbz panel 01-01-15bz strip 01-01-15bz panel 01-02-15bz strip 01-02-15bz panel 01-03-15bz strip 01-03-15(To unsmall any image in this post, click it with your mice device.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Too Late.

According to recent emails and comments, today’s humorous illustration about prison has proved to be pretty popular with people who thought it was funny. This makes me happy, too, so it’s a win/win. The idea for this one came from my good buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Worldplay, who also makes me happy.

Late last week, the following cartoons were published worldwide on an as-needed basis. The street-corner beggar is a philosophical twist on an old cartoon motif, which isn’t as laugh-out-loud-funny as it is incredibly deep and thought provoking.

The next one, with the guy about to face a firing squad, is also a modern take on an old cartoon motif.I thought that would be clear, but one reader told me that the execution cartoon “goes too far” in light of the recent beheadings by terrorists. Sorry if anyone else thought that’s where I was going with this, it most certainly wasn’t. While I believe that one of the best ways to deal with fear and tragedy is humor, this gag is not funny enough (nor editorial enough) to justify publishing so soon after that kind of event so I wouldn’t have done that. Just for the record.

My last ‘toon in this batch is a funny situation between a centaur and his personal healthcare professional. Getting health insurance (in the U.S., the only “civilized” country that doesn’t offer free health care to all citizens) must be a real pain in the ass for this poor schmuck. My German penpal, Michael Roth, and I kicked around a dozen centaur cartoons before I finally settled on drawing this one. Thanks, Mr. R.

REZARRO: From 2009, I bring you this view of centaurs and other mythological beings. This one still gives me a chuckle, hope it works the same way for you.

bizarro 02-15-09 CentaurWEB

 

Party Drug Snack Group

bz panel 12-31-14bz strip 12-31-14bz panel 12-29-14 bz strip 12-29-14bz panel 12-30-14bz strip 12-30-14Bizarro is brought to you today by My Choice for Album of the Year.

My least favorite night of the year to leave my hut is New Year’s Eve. One might reasonably think this is a sign that I am getting old but I’ve been this way since my twenties. New Year’s Eve is an arbitrary moment in time that has no meaning for me, it’s also noisier, more expensive, and more crowded than most any other night of the year. There are also a lot of drunks on the roads and sober people have enough trouble controlling their cars. Thus, I can find nothing to recommend it.  On the plus side, however, this New Year’s Eve cartoon is kinda funny.

Then there’s this vision of what it might be like if doctor’s offices adopted the practices of airlines. They both overbook, so why not?

And now, here’s a bit of appetizing zombie fun.

 

BIZARRO OF THE LIVING DEAD: Since we’re on the subjects of zombies and the new year, here’s a cartoon about that topic from Jan 2, 2011. It reflects my feelings about the efficacy of online activism in general.bizarro 01-02-11 ZombieWEB (Click it to see it embiggened.)

 

Cluck Brag Kiss Shout

bz panel 11-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Food Discrimination.

Here’s a lovely pastoral view of a truly free-range chicken farm where some of its residents are planning a vacation. It is nothing like where real chickens come from.

 

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I’ve been giving a lot of thought recently about the important things in life and have decided that the amount of money and “things” you have isn’t one of them.

 

 

 

 

This idea from my good friend, Cliff Harris the King of Wordplay is a bit dated, but only if you don’t know jack-shit about history. Henry Kissinger was once one of the most powerful people in the world. Now he’s relegated to a carnival midway booth, which is both deep and funny, if you look at it a certain way.

BYGONE BIZARRO: Here’s a fun one from 2000bizarro 09-01-00WEB. If you’ve ever been in a recording studio, you’ll find this hilarious.

Stomp Break Fall Stink

bz panel 09-25-14bz strip 09-25-14bz panel 09-26-14bz strip 09-26-14bz panel 09-27-14bz strip 09-27-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Scary Baby Man.

 

My clever friend in Germany, Michael Roth, had the idea that Ant-Man’s archenemy might be a guy with a big shoe to step on him. I added the picnic basket to drive home the point, as everyone knows that picnics attract ants.

The strip version of this one is turned sideways because I wanted readers to be able to see the entire image, but to shrink it down and place it vertically, as I normally would, would make it too small. I’ve done this a few other times, too, but not often. Here’s one now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The idea of breaking up with someone in public to avoid a scene is common, but I thought this was a new twist on it. After drawing it, I added the twist of her being into the waitress, instead of the waiter, because humor is often found in surprise. Saucy!  (Personally, I’d never break up with someone in public. Not only is it cruel to attempt to handcuff a person’s emotions in that way, but you’re just begging for them to cause a big scene to teach you a lesson.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The ancient philosophical question, “If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?” has been used in comics many times, but I thought this one seemed fun enough to revisit the motif. Plus, it’s the first time (that I can think of) that my Bizarro Bunny has had a speaking role in one of my cartoons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARROLD: Here’s another fun take on another fun saying about the forest. BearShitsWoodsBizarroThis one is from last year.

 

 

Puke Snooze Drink Puke

bz panel 09-01-14bz strip 09-01-14bz panel 09-02-14bz strip 09-02-14bz panel 09-03-14bz strip 09-03-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Abe and Friends.

Since I was a child I’ve been fascinated by the fact that some animals feed their young by eating something, then regurgitating it into their mouth. First, let me say how happy I am that humans are not among the species with this charming habit, and secondly, perhaps we should be. Some babies have difficulty digesting certain kinds of foods and perhaps a little pre-digestion would be a good thing. If anyone decides to try this with their own baby, let me know how it turns out, and remember that I am not a doctor nor even a particularly well-educated person so don’t blame me if your baby is irreparably damaged by this experiment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As long as I’m helping raise other people’s kids, why not try turning your child’s life completely over to the Internet like this fine fellow? It’s going to happen eventually anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This Lincoln gag is one of my favorites in a long time. I have my buddy, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay to thank for it. I wish I was this clever, but, alas, I guess I’m not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BYGONE BIZARRO: Just so you don’t think I’m not clever at all, here’s one of my favorite gags from my archives that deals with the baby-food-puke issue. Bon Appétit! Bz BirdPuke 10-05-07 SM

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cannibal Ghost Superman Dinner

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Gourmet Dining.

If you haven’t visited a KwikKannibal recently, you should. They have a new sausage sandwich that is filled with ground lips, ears, and nostrils––not the usual penis-on-a-bun that these kinds of places typically have. I recommend it.

My good buddy Cliff The King Of Wordplay came up with this delightful pun and I am pleased to present it to you today. I hope it made you giggle. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And here’s a fun take on ghosts from my friend Michael Roth, who lives in Germany where ghosts are much more common than here in Los Angeles, where I live. And many of them are wrinkly, evidently. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not sure if this gag works the way I wanted it to. It was supposed to be about Superman as a kid, using his ability to fly to catch wild ducks for dinner. Now that I see it again, I’m not sure it’s any good. The good news is that I just submitted a different Superman gag that I think is really good. It will appear in papers on September 6, so keep your eye(s) peeled. Buy a print of this cartoon here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pazz Jickles: And now, Jazz Pickles, feast your eyes on this cannibal gag from 2001 in which everyone’s favorite celeb meets her doom. bz 06-15-01 MarthaWEBOr does she?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chomp Stroll Eat Naked

Bizarro 06-01-14 HedrBizarro 06-01-14 WEBbz panel 05-29-14 bz strip 05-29-14bz panel 05-30-14bz strip 05-30-14bz panel 05-31-14bz strip 05-31-14(For a bigger, more better experience, click on any image to enbiggen it.)

Bizarro is brought to you by Who Wouldn’t Want This Done To Their Mouth?

This week was kookoobananas and left me without time to keep up with my blog posts. So here now, are all the cartoons from Wednesday until today.

Since it’s Sunday, we’ll start with today’s. This delightful image of a couple of popular TV characters being devoured by Tyrannosaurus children was a collaboration with my good buddy, Cliff The King Of Wordplay. This one isn’t really about wordplay, showing that Cliff is equally gifted in other areas. (And I’m not just talking about his prolific career as a go-go dancer.)

 

 

 

Wednesday’s cartoon was a collaboration with another good buddy and my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. He came up with the idea for a sign like this one and the two of us kicked it back and forth until we found a fun way to use it. Some of you may not know that pirates didn’t leave their plank up all the time because it made it difficult to park in tight spaces. Wayno discusses some of the earlier versions here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love this “Revenge Diner” cartoon because it requires a little effort from the reader to put it together. If you were not able to figure this one out, it is very likely that you’ve never heard the famous phrase, “Revenge is a dish best served cold.” The origins of this phrase are unknown but you can read a bit about it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And finally, we have this little ditty that features cattle musing over why they are so poorly treated by we humans.

Tattoo Find Funny Age Gumby

bz panel 03-08-14bz strip 03-08-14Bizarro is brought to you today by a Prison For Bearded Children.

We start this post with last Saturday’s cartoon, which I have not posted yet because I was on a secret CIA mission to the moon. It was lovely up there but I was almost killed by secret agents from somewhere in the Andromeda galazy. Damn, it’s exciting being a cartoonist.

 

Starting with the wedding cartoon, I will say that I’ve been involved in far too many weddings. Always as the groom, never as a best man. If you’re like me, one of the many sickening things that occurs to you when you’re going through a divorce is how embarrassing it is that you had so many friends and relatives spend their time and money on a trip to your public declaration that you’ve found the right person and your love is special, then having them find out later that your marriage was no more special than the average third date. Bummer, dude. My most recent bride had a lot of tattoos, but that wasn’t the impetus for this cartoon, nor the reason for our divorce.bz panel 03-10-14bz strip 03-10-14

 

Monday’s cartoon is about an archeological dig in which one man found something important. Something quite like this happened to me twice in the nearly ten years that I was married to the aforementioned tattooed lady. I lost my wedding ring on two separate occasions and found it later both times. The first was in the pool beneath a waterfall in Hawaii, of all places. It slipped off my finger in the deluge of water pounding down into the pool and I immediately reached down to try to find it. There was nothing but potato-sized, round rocks beneath me. I searched and searched, blindly feeling around beneath me for several minutes to no avail. I called the tattooed lady over and said, “I just lost my wedding ring! I’m going to go back to the car and get my snorkel mask and see if I can find it. Stand right here to mark the spot until I get back!” She did, then as I was wading out of the pool, she stooped down, put her hand among the rocks and found it. I erroneously took it as a sign that our marriage would last forever. The second time was less interesting because it happened in our own apartment, but the ring was missing for over a year before found again. That time I did not take it as a sign because our marriage was by that time, seriously on the rocks. (pun intended)bz panel 03-11-14

 

Tuesday’s cartoon is about the ponderous mystery behind The New Yorker’s cartoon editing process. In my business, it’s pretty hard to spit without hitting a colleague who has wasted years of their life submitting cartoons to NYer magazine, with no success. When you look through any given edition, however, you see a few brilliant efforts and a lot of amazingly mediocre nothings that leads one to wonder how they go about choosing cartoons for publication. I do not know the answer, but I’m guessing a chimp and a dartboard are involved. I’m happy to say I’ve never submitted to New Yorker because I’ve never felt that what my life was missing was more disappointment.bz panel 03-12-14

 

 

 

 

Today’s cartoon is about disappointment of a different kind and comes from my dear friend, Cliff Harris The King Of Wordplay. Here we see two citizens who are both excluded from enjoying a particular TV program because of their age. The dog might enjoy it, though.

 

 

 

 

bz 11-08-96 gumbyREZARRO: Today’s ancient cartoon from the archeology wing of Bizarro Interenational Headquarters is from 1996. If you don’t know who Gumby and Pokey is, you’ve got some googling to do, amigo.

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